As Steve, Pete and Frank walked down the local high street they couldn’t help but notice the woman across the road rummaging through a bag of clothes that had been left outside a charity shop. They were thinking about doing something but after weighing out their possibilites they decided to applaud this womans initiative as what this woman was doing was genius. The woman was simply cutting out the middle man and saving everybody time and energy.
As they carried on down the road they decided to have a bit of a look round the shops. They entered Shine On, the local shoe shop and began to browse through the wide variety of cheap and pathetic footwear. It was fairly busy and Steve couldn’t help listening into the conversations happening around him.
“Whats the difference between a bag of rabbits and your mum?” asked one boy to his friend.
“I Don’t know” his friend shrugged.
“Your mums a slag.” replied the other.
“Well I’m not even bothered if my mum’s a slag because my cock’s so big that when I want to have a wank I have to employ at least five tramps to put in on their shoulders and run back and forth for a few hours”
Steve decided that was the most exciting that conversation was going to get so carried on nosying around and decided he was going to earwig on the couple stood beside him.
“Ever since I’ve been pregnant I’ve just been through a rollercoaster of emotion.” Said the female part of the couple who Steve had now realised was pregnant due to his sherlock holmes like skills.
“One minute I want the baby and one minute I don’t. Sometimes I think it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us and then the next second I think it could be the worst thing. I keep getting fatter by the day and I just think at some point your going to turn around and decide that you don’t fancy me anymore and that I repel you. I can’t help thinking that you’ll just end up leaving me for someone slimmer and younger. Its my biggest fear and I’m so scared of something bad happening.”
The man took a moment to take this all in before sincerely replying
“Shut up you fat bitch!”
The woman’s face dropped and tears began to rush to her eyes
“awww darling, I’m sorry. I’m only joking you know what I’m like.” Said the man regretting using sarcasm at such a delicate time
“I’ll stand by you no matter what, and what ever happens I’m always going to be by your side because regardless of how old, fat and bad you look I love you and always will.”
With the tears in the womans eyes now becoming tears of happiness everything seemed like it was going to be all right.
“So whats your biggest fear?” asked the woman
“Bears” replied the man. And on that note the woman stormed out of the shop.
There was only one other man left in the shop so Steve decided he’d wander over near this man and investigate what was going on this guys life.
“I stand corrected” the man said as he put on some orthopaedic shoes.
Steve met back up with Frank and Pete and decided they should leave the shop of comedy genius and irony. As their drinking session in the horizon had been cut short they decided to visit the nearest bar which was just across the road from the shoe shop. Pete, Frank and Steve crossed the road in unision before walking into the bar together.
“Ouch”
“Ouch”
“Ouch”
They walked into an Iron bar.
After this act of stupidity the three guys decided they should visit a bar that serves light snacks and beverages so they headed in a north easterly direction to The Black Horse. They jumped on the black horse and rode it 15 metres down the road to the local pub The Hairy Beaver. As they set foot inside The Hairy Beaver they couldn’t help noticing the distinct aroma of fish circulating the inside. This did not put them off however as they had a long stressful day and were looking forward to a nice cold refreshing drink. Steve went to the bar and ordered three pints of lager, three pints of Cider, Three Alcopops and nine shots of vodka. As Steve single handedly carried the drinks over to the table where Pete and Frank were seated he wondered why they hadnt bought any drinks yet. There was an excuse to why they hadnt bought any drinks though and it was down to the fact they had no money because of the fact that Frank was a former mining midget and Pete was very much a sheep.
Steve handed out money and within minutes the three of them were sat round with an identical set of drinks. Before they started drinking they needed some music to get them in the mood for a long relaxing session so as a group they walked over to the jukebox.
As they stood around deciding whether to play the Jazz Funk Compilation or the Rock God Idol’s album from medievel England
“Excuse me sir but I’m afraid you’ll have to move, Your blocking the fire exit”
Steve willingly obliged but couldn’t help thinking that if there was a fire he would probably be running away and probably wouldn’t carry on standing by the fire exit.
With the agreed choice of music playing and Steve now saving the entire pub from certain death in the event of a fire they decided to get down to business and start drinking.
The drinks seem to be going down a treat and after a few hours of drinking the ‘I love you’ conversations are beginning to happen when suddenly Frank caught sight of a sign above the bar.
Cheese Sandwich: £1.50
ChickenSandwich : £2.50
Hand Job: £10.00
Chicken
Hand Job: £10.00
Frank, Steve and Pete went deep into discussion and eventually Steve searched his wallet and gave Frank the neccesary payment. Frank walked to the bar and beckoned one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks, as Pete and Steve looked on excited.
“Yes can I help you?” she inquired with a knowing smile
“I was wondering…” whispered Frank
“Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
“Yes, indeed I am” she purred
“Well go wash your hands you little hussy, I want three cheese sandwiches”
As Steve, Frank and Pete sat down eating there cheese sandwiches, Frank still hadn’t come to terms with why the barmaid had given him such a look of disgust as he collected the sandwiches but this was not a time for regrets and remorse so with the shouts of ‘Shots!’ by Steve up went the glasses, down went the alcohol and up went the cheers and smiles.
The glasses on the table were now nearly all empty and the chairs were looking to be heading the same way as Steve, Frank and Pete struggled to sit in the same position for over three seconds. As they sat around talking about whom they would rather sleep with if they had a choice between Margaret Thatcher and their own mothers, a suspicious looking man approached them.
“You look suspicious” Frank told the suspicious looking man
“That’s because I’m going to attempt to sell you some drugs” he replied
“Oh well that’s fair enough”
After a little more conversation Frank acquired some suspicious looking drugs from the suspicious looking man and whilst not at all looking suspicious Frank, Steve and Pete hid under the table and popped the seemingly harmless pills they had just bought for a small price of a random man.
The minutes past without incident until Frank piped up,
“Frigging Hell I can see a bloody pink sheep”
“That’s Pete,” said Pete referring to himself in the third person for no apparent reason.
A few more minutes passed when Steve’s eyes started to follow something around the room. They stopped moving before wildly moving around again.
“Why have I never seen that flying courtroom before?” Asked Steve.
Pete and Frank were too busy fondling each other so they pretended that they thought Steve’s question was rhetorical.
“I bet there’s a throne made of porridge inside” Steve continued
“And I bet there’s a fat judge waving a sausage!”
“With a ginger beard!” Frank chipped in
“And he’s molesting a unicorn”
“With a hat made of badger”
“And a pet dog called tiddles”
“Whilst eating fondant fancies and celebrating Ramadam”
“Yeah I bet he’s got a penis made of cranberries and nipples that are shaped like Europe ” Pete said joining in
“I know and he’s probably married to Aretha Franklin’s daughter”
“Ha. I bet her daughter is called Urethra because Aretha likes sexual organs a lot”
“No I reckon she’ll be called Franklin Franklin Franklin because that would well mess with peoples minds”
“Like these drugs then?”
“Yer you could say that you little pink fluffy sheep”
“It wasn’t even me who said that” Pete piped up
“Hold on… Everyone looks like a pink fluffy sheep”
“Racist!”
“I’m not racist I voted for Barack Obama”
“And he his?”
“He won American Idol”
“Oh well that’s cool…”
As the conversation drifted off into more drug fuelled nonsense, Frank decided to go outside and try enter back into reality. Minutes passed and the conversation between Steve and Pete had died down a bit and they were now slowly discussing the probability of living on mars in the afterlife when Frank re-entered the pub.
“Would you think I was mental if I told you I’d just drawn a really awesome swan on the wall using poo?” Frank asked confidentely
Pete and Steve didn’t know what to say and that wasn’t just because of the drugs.
“Erm… It depends what type of swan really?” Steve said finally
“Right come look then!”
Frank led the way outside with Steve and Pete in tow, Frank led them around the corner to where he had created his masterpiece. Steve and Pete stood there in silence admiring his work.
“To be honest Frank, I think you may have gone slightly mental but from the bottom of my heart I believe that is the best swan drawn from shit that I’ve ever seen. It's really hard to capture the elegance of the neck and beak of a Mute Swan but you’ve done it brilliantly.”
“Thank you so much” Frank said beginning to blush
“Anyways I think we should go back inside for some more drinks, that yodelling bear is beginning to scare me” Steve said pointing to a set of traffic lights
“Yeah and that bright green glowing paedophile is beginning to scare me” Pete said sheepishly pointing to the bright green glowing paedophile.
(Note to Paedophiles: Confuse the police during questioning by making suggestive remarks about old women.)
Steve, Pete and Frank sat around their table once again as the drugs began to wear off when someone very familiar walked through the door.
“Its Jimima!” Steve shouted excitedly, a little too excitedly though as Jimima seemed to hear.
Steve jumped out of his seat and walked directly over to Jimima. They clicked instantly and they were soon involved in a loving clench. They continued talking and drinking before Steve walked over to his friends and told them he’d see them tomorrow as he was going back to Jimima’s place.
Steve and Jimima ran outside hand in hand and jump into a taxi. On the short journey to Jimima’s flat they couldn’t keep their hands off each other and they both felt like they had electricity running through their throbbing veins.
As soon as they got back to her flat Jimima stripped Steve off in the hallway unable to wait a single second longer. They ran upstairs, dived onto the bed and were soon hard at it bumping and grinding the night away. The walls struggled to stay up as the screams of delight nearly destroyed the building whilst the bed was only still standing thanks to the reinforced metal frame.
Suddenly Steve screamed
“STOP!”
“What?” Jimima replied concerned
“HAMMER TIME!”
She was less than impressed.
They spent the night hard at it, both suffering from exhaustion as it came to an end. Steve, struggling to breathe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks Jimima if she has one.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Steve begins to worry. What has he got himself into?
“Is this your husband?” he inquires nervously.
“No, silly,” Jimima replies, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?”
“No, don’t be daft,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” Steve demands
Calmly, Jimima takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies,
“That’s me before the operation.”
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