As Steve set foot in The Horizon he came to the conclusion that ‘The Horizon’ was a great name for a pub and wondered why it had taken him a trip to Dragon Island
“Davina, Davina! I’m your biggest fan” called out her biggest fan
“I know you’re my biggest fan you fat bitch!” Davina replied delightfully
“Well I’m the only person who likes you who is 50stone or over so its either me or someone thinner!”
However this shouting had distracted a hunter who turned round to find a Hippo in his way. The hunter also well known in New Zealand
“As if I shot her! What a mistake.” Shouted the hunter
“I know, the humane way of doing it would have been to hang her” Davina said with a sparkling smile
“From a crane?” questioned the hunter
“The large, long-legged and long-necked birds or the lifting machine equipped with a winder, wire ropes or chains and sheaves that can be used both to lift and lower materials and to move them?” Davina questioned in return
“The machine obviously” replied the hunter.
With that now settled Frank was able to talk to Davina.
“Hi Davina what are you doing here” asked Frank
“Going to the pub. See ya” replied Davina.
And with that now settled Frank realised Davina was a bitch.
Frank walked into the bar.
“Ouch”
It was an iron bar.
Frank walked into the pub
“Ouch”
He’d forgotten to open the door.
Frank opened the door and walked inside the pub where he was confronted by a koala wearing a pair of black cowboy boots.
“You got some eucalyptus mate? I’m blooding starving my Australian nay nays off,” enquired the koala
“Nah I’ve got a ukulele though” replied Frank helpfully
“Can I have that then?”
“Sure I don’t see why not, I’m sure I won’t need it” Frank ironically stated. However it may turn out later on that Frank is wrong and being in possession of a ukulele may save his life.
Frank walked over to join Steve and Pete who were now in deep conversation with the barman.
“So your name is John but everyone calls you Bob?” asked Steve to the barman
“Yer that’s right lad” Replied Bob
“So how does that work then?” asked Steve
“Well… it started when I was a lad. Everyone used to call me Long John Silver because I looked like a pirate due to the eye patch I wore for fashion purposes. The fashion purposes being the fact that I hated fashion. As I grew up I realised the eye patch wasn’t for me so I decided to start a trend wearing silver sparkling sequinned tops, like the one’s Graham Norton wears. This soon prompted the nickname John Silver Top. This wasn’t the only nickname I was given though as I was given many other more abusive names mainly orientated around homosexuality, so I decided I was going to do something about this. So I gelled my long black hair up into large devil like spikes so I resembled Dennis The Menace the toughest guy around back in the day. This new fashion statement prompted the name Silver Top Dennis, which was later, shortened to STD. As I’m sure you’ve realised having an acronym that stands for sexual transmitted disease isn’t the best nickname to have so I tried staying away from school and the people that knew me. I started to spend my days down at the swimming baths perfecting my swimming techniques. The Swimming gave me a new lease of life and I was soon moving up the ranks in the swimming world. I was appearing in the local newspapers and even made it onto the local radio station. I was soon crowned number one in England
As Steve Frank and Pete nervously looked round trying to work out if it was possible to get more excited than Bob was whilst telling this story, they began to wonder whether the story would ever come to an end.
Bob continued…
“I stopped swimming shortly afterwards after being involved in a horrible beef casserole incident and the lack of exercise soon took its toll. Stud soon became Pud. My friends hadn’t decided which pudding to be exact but my sudden growth of a third knee soon gave them an idea.”
“I’m sorry you grew a third knee?” Steve interrupted
“Yer I had a right knee and a left knee and now I had acne. I was crowned Spotted Dick. This name was not suitable to be said aloud around school and at home so my ‘friends’ suggested Spotted Richard, unfortunately my pet otter that I had lost recently was called Richard so the name Spotted Richard was too upsetting. Richard was then changed to Robert, as it is obviously the most similar name to Richard. As Clearasil became available the Acne soon cleared up and eventually Robert was shortened and I finally became known as Bob.”
“Well that was a lovely story.” Steve said with a sigh of relief
“Its not true is it? Come on, why are you really called Bob? ” Asked Frank
“Yer you’re right that was a lie. But if I told you why I was really called Bob, I’m afraid I’d have to kill you…” Bob said with the most serious look possible on his face.
It was at this point Steve Frank and Pete decided they should take their drinks and go sit down.
As Steve was walking to a table he realised something hanging on the wall. He walked towards the frame in front of him it was a mirror. Steve looked in the mirror. What looked back at him was not what he expected.
“Frank look at this!” screamed Steve
Frank rushed over to Steve, to see what all the fuss was about.
“Look at my reflection! How long have I looked like the Eiffel tower?” Steve asked in a state of shock
Frank looked at Steve like you would look at someone who had just rolled in a pile of nuclear waste to see if it would give them superpowers.
“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice” Steve said
“It’s a painting you fucking prick” Frank pointed out
“Oh yeah…. So it is, but I suppose it’s an easy mistake to make isn’t it haha” Steve laughed to himself
“I hope you know the more you talk the more I think you have learning difficulties.” Frank announced which abruptly ended the conversation.
Steve and Frank walked over to the table where Pete was seated.
Pete was sat down facing the wall and seemed to be having a conversation
“Hello Mr Wall, how are you today?” asked Pete politely
The wall said nothing.
“I’m sorry maybe you didn’t hear me the first time are you ok Mr Wall? Pete asked louder
The wall said nothing.
“God! I may as well talk to myself, its like talking to a bloody brick wall!” Pete exlaimed before turning round to take a sip off his drink.
As Frank Pete and Steve looked around the pub they couldn’t help notice a young attractive afro-carribean girl sat in the corner. They were drawn to her mainly because she was attractive but also because she was naked. The naked girl stood up walked over to Frank, Pete and Steve and took a seat beside them. The three guys were speechless as was the mute who was sat on the table next to them. The black girl leant over the table untill her face was an inch away from Steve’s. She kissed him on the cheek before whispering in his ear.
“My name’s Jimima but you can call me Jim, I’ll be seeing you around. I’m sure.”
With that said she stood up and walked out of the pub like nothing had happened.
Steve however was still coming to terms with what he was going to do with his recently sticky pants.
Pete, Frank, Steve and Gareth Gates sat around still struggling to say something.
“Bloody hell she was amazing!” Frank finally pointed out.
“You’ve never said anything more true.” Steve said agreeing with Frank
As they sat around discussing what they would like to do to Jim, they noticed Davina Mccall behind the bar. They then noticed Davina kissing Bob. They then notice the sign above the bar. Landlords Davina Mccall + Bob Fratterston. Was Bob really in a relationship with Davina Mccall? Or were they just business partners? These questions needed to be answered so I decided after this line Steve would ask Bob these questions and then Bob would answer them.
“Bob are you in a relationship with Davina Mccall or is just a business partnership?”
“I’m afraid if I told you that I’d have to kill you” replied Bob
Steve was now wondering if Bob had a love of killing people after answering questions or if he just liked to be mysterious and annoying.
Suddenly an angry but lovely woman walked through the door. Steve noticed her from somewhere but he couldn’t think where. As the woman began storming round the pub screaming Steve realised who it was. It was Andrea the taxi woman! Steve couldn’t come to terms with her new looks. The last time he saw her she looked liked an uglier more burnt version of Jade Goody but now she had the angelic looks of a 60 year old oil tycoon’s 20 year old wife. It turns out the magical advances in plastic surgery, in the year that this novel is set in, enabled Andrea’s badly disfigured face to be repaired to its former glory in a matter of hours.
Steve quickly ran over to Pete and Frank and hurried them into the toilets. Andrea carried on walking round the pub and had now started screaming ‘Fucking Folk!’ at the top of her voice. Bob couldn’t help but notice this beautiful creature who was gradually destroying his business and scaring off the customers. Andrea carrying on with her rampage suddenly noticed Bob stood behind the bar which soon calmed her down. Andrea was becoming less and less bothered about finding Steve, Pete and Frank and was now easing her way over to Bob who’s eyes sparkled like the sun, unfortunately British Newspapers don’t sparkle that well but I’m sure Andrea thought Bob’s eyes were lovely.
“Gosh your eyes are lovely” Andrea remarked
“And your boobs are great” Bob romantically pointed out
“thanks darling” Andrea replied blushing
“Fancy getting together, moving to Batley and having a really tall child called Jake and a child of average height called Sam?” Bob asked with a glint in his eye.
“That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard” Andrea said with a smile as big as Cherie Blairs”.
“Right then I just need to do something” Bob said
“Davina ya can shove your pub up your arse!”
And with that done and dusted and polished and ironed Bob and Andrea ran off into the sunset to live happily ever after.
The same could not be said for Frank, Pete and Steve however who were struggling to exit the pub via the toilet window. Steve began to wonder how the hell they was going to get through the window which seemed to be impossible to get out of. Pete tried climbing through the window but he miserably failed as he fell into a urinal and managed to get two toilet cubes lodged directly into his eye sockets so he looked like a budget pokemon.
Frank decided he would have a go. Frank Failed. Miserably. As he dropped from the window ledge, his legs buckled beneath him and he managed to get his face lodged in the sanitary bin. You may be thinking why there was a sanitary bin in the mens toilets and you’ll be thinking this, because you sir, are an idiot.
Steve decided he was going to take a more intelligent approach and began to assess the situation. Suddenly Steve’s cunning prevailed and he realised what they’d being doing wrong. They’d only forgotton to open the bloody window. Steve reached up and undid the latches on the windows, then one by one Steve Frank and Pete exited the pub in a classy fashion, climbing out of the toilet window.
As they gathered in the carpark they couldn’t help noticing that their car was missing. It was another victory for Karma though as Andrea had stolen her car back off Steve to drive to pleasureland with Bob.
“Well looks like we’re back to square one” Frank remarked
“Were back to one?” Steve asked
“Square one I said” Frank said once again
“Yer square one you get one”
“What you on about now?”
“I don’t know. It was a maths joke, it wasn’t great was it?”
“No it was pretty shit actually” Pete honestly told Steve
“Ah well lets go”
With the conclusion reached on what to do Steve Pete And Frank trudged on, continuing there journey to find the Evil Green Dragon.
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