Chapter 1. Welcome to the unexpected.

Once upon a time, in a field of thyme there was a piece of cheese called Steven. Steven was just your average piece of cheese except for the fact he was exactly like a human but made of cheese. At times being made of cheese was a bonus both mentally and sexually but other times it was his major downfall.

As Steve sat staring out the window he wondered what his life was going to turn out like. He was in the middle of another science lesson and all he could think about was getting out of his boring old routine and doing something exciting with his life. As his friend Jebediah sat beside him they began discussing how good looking their teacher, Miss Pryce was. As they laid their phones upon the table listening to their favourite jazz record on Steve’s phone, Miss Pryce walked over.

“Shit, Where in trouble” Steve said to Jebediah.

“Hey Steve” Miss Pryce announced in her voice that was extremely similar to the voice of the science teacher called Miss Price I used to fancy at school,

“I really like that song can you send me it”

Steve breathed a sigh of relief and told Miss Pryce what he thought his Bluetooth name was. As she struggled to find it he suddenly remembered why. Earlier, Jebediah had changed Steve’s Bluetooth name to ‘Miss Pryce is fit’ and it didn’t take long for Miss Pryce to realise what Steve’s Bluetooth name now was. She had a shocked look on her face, stopped drinking her mineral water and carried on like nothing happened however she held Steve back after class.

As Steve sat there alone he wondered what punishment he was going to receive. Miss Pryce stamped down her authority by making Steve wait for her to finish her salmon sandwich before talking to him.

“Steve that was a very inappropriate thing to do. If it happens again, I think I’m going to have to inform the deputy head”

Steve was just about to reply when he finally realised what was going on. She had been drinking mineral water. She was eating a salmon sandwich. Miss Pryce was in fact, a bear.
She dived over the table roaring at Steve as she lunged for him with her right paw. Snarling menacingly, she hit Steve across the face with her left paw. After a long struggle and with a jacket, which was now torn to shreds, Steve managed to scramble towards the door. Miss Pryce was not going to let Steve get away this easily though and as she stood over him saliva covering her vicious face it looked like Steve was going to suffer a violent death. The door was forced open from the other side. Jebediah had come back to save his friend. He had arrived with a big pot of honey that distracted Miss Pryce from the savage attack she was inflicting on Steve. Jebediah threw the pot into the corner of the room, which caused Miss Pryce to get down on all fours and run towards the pot (by ‘pot’, I mean pot of honey not marijuana). As she concentrated on scooping the honey out of the pot with her paw, Jebediah ran over and plunged a biro in to her heart.

“Well that was very unexpected. I always thought I’d be drunk when I was involved in the killing of an endangered animal with a cheap writing implement ” exclaimed Steve quite calmly considering what had just happened

“Yer I really didn’t see that coming” replied Jebediah

“I did when I was playing with its balls”

“What?”

“Never mind…”

This near death experience opened Steve’s eyes up to the world of excitement. He realised he wanted to get into situations like this everyday but obviously with less bears and less chance of dying. Steve decided his usual routine was going to change and become the life people can only dream of.

After this sense of achievement Steve decided to go into town that night and celebrate.

As Steve propped up the bar he wondered why the owners just didn’t get the bar fixed, this was soon off his mind though as he spotted the famous two handed couple. Now you may be wondering what was so famous about the two handed couple but it was generally down to the fact that they were very famous porn stars and they had reached immense fame by having two hands between them, one each to be exact.

Someone else took over propping the bar up so Steve decided he was going to go over and finally meet his heroes but just incase Steve’s parents are reading Steve has not ever seen any of their films, or video’s on the internet nor has he downloaded video onto his phone, or the screensaver that he has on his computer  and he most definitely doesn’t have a scrap book of pictures hidden under his bed but he had certainly seen them in the paper once or twice.

As Steve approached he began to think about how you greet someone who is an amputee. Do you shake hands? What if you put out your right hand and they only have their left hand? Do you wiggle the stump? What if it’s a woman? Do you kiss the end of the stump? Do you lick the inward fold skin dimple? What is the modern day etiquette when it comes to this sort of situation?

Steve decided that he was going to play it safe and not offer a handshake.
“Bertram! Dorris! I’m a big fan of yours” Steve said to the two handed couple, as those were their names.

“Its always good to meet a fan” Dorris replied and outstretched his hand

Steve was relieved he had been worrying about nothing. Steve stuck out his right hand and shook hands with Bertram before explaining that he was infact a piece of cheese and not a fan. He couldn’t help noticing however that Bertram had somewhat of a feeble handshake and was therefore a massive quivering bumder.

 Steve turned to Dorris and outstretched his right hand once again. Dorris outstretched her right arm. There was no hand.

“Shit!” Steve thought to himself as he retracted his hand.

“Shit! That’s made it even worse.” Digging him deeper into a hole.

However quick as a flash Steve knew how to get out of it which is when the good old childish fake handshake came into play. As Dorris stood there with her stump outstretched, Steve lifted his hand to his face. Placed his thumb on his nose. Stuck out his tongue and then began to wiggle his fingers.

It was the perfect way of getting out of such a predicament. Even though he felt like a bit of a twat he decided he would of felt more of a twat if he’d have gone and wiggled the bloody stump (I used bloody as a swear word to add emphasis not because the hand had only been recently amputated).

As the night went on and the drinks began to flow Bertram, Dorris and Steve got to know each other better and they were soon good friends. It was Bertram’s round and he went to the bar to get the drinks. Steve looked over to Bertram who was trying to work out how he was going to carry three drinks. Steve realised his new friend was in a bit of a dilemma so he remembered his manners and shouted over to Bertram

“Bertram do you want a hand?”

“Shit!”

Bertram laughed at the irony before taking Steve up on his offer.

As they stood around drinking, the live entertainment began to start and onto the stage walked a bearded, middle-aged man with a guitar. The crowd began to applaud and Steve followed suit before falling into a fit of hysterics as he looked next to him to see Bertram and Dorris slapping each other’s hand to raise extra applause for the tramp look-a-like.

Bertram and Dorris did not appreciate this from Steve and began to delve into a rant about the difficulties and prejudices they suffer thanks to the fact that they only have one hand each. It was at this point Steve decided his night of celebration was over and he headed for the door.

As Steve began to walk down the high street he noticed his homosexual friend, Charmander, walking the other way. They stopped and began talking to each other. They had always been good friends but tonight Steve noticed a funny look Charmander had started to do occasionally.

“I’m dying for a pint, you fancy one?” asked Charmander.

“Yeah, Sure where shall we go?”

“Maybe we should go to the Kings head?” Charmander replied with a wink.
”Sure that’s fine by me” Steve replied without a wink.

And with that settled they went to the Kings head and had a pleasant evening.