Chapter 3 – One Way Ticket Please

After a long walk (well it wasn’t really it was about ten steps but if you were on the brink of death it would be a bloody long walk) Steven and Pete came across a turkish man selling watches.

“Hello my friend” said the turkish man “You buy nice watch, I give you good price” Steven thought this was strange as the man was turkish and he was in Malaysia. Although after a couple of minutes thinking (I think it was two to be exact) Steven realised that it wasn’t that strange considering the other things that had been going on.

After his moment of thinking (I think it was a two minute long moment to be exact) Steven said

“How much for the watch ?”

The turkish man replied “Five Tan Toks or a picture of a naked horse if you pocess one”

Steven gave the turkish man a funny look as everyone knows that most watches are normally only four Tan Toks. The turkish man then carried on with his sales patter whilst shoving freshly beheaded parrots down his trousers

“But for you my friend I sell you it for a sock” Steve decided that this was a bargain not to be missed so he bought six watches one for each arm and four for his four legged friend. Luckily steven always carries two extra pairs of socks so he was able to give the turkish man six socks. He then changed the times on the watches to six different times as he didn’t see the point in having six watches if they were all going to be the same. As with any watches bought off the dodgy dealers (lucky lucky men) The watches stopped working as soon as the man was out of sight.

Steven was very upset at this as he had to given up six perfectly good socks for the watches and now his feet were cold. After this initial setback steve pulled himself together and decided he should continue his pursuit to find the leather mining midgets.

 Our hero jumped on his pink companion and rode off towards the sea in the sunset. After a while he arrived at the sea side where the leather mining midgets were having a tea break. It was no ordinary tea break however as they werent drinking tea as it makes midgets die and eventually turn into pigeons.

Steve thought to himself “oh they must be drinking cactus juice, a fine malaysian cuisine” Steve was beginning to realise that the hours he wasted sat in front of the TV watching the discovery Channel were actually going to become useful.

Steve walked over to the midgets and asked “please sir can I have some of that cactus juice”. Half way through his drink steve realised he was allergic to cactus juice as his breasts grew to the size of melons and an oak tree began sprouting from his lower back.

As steven is one of the cleverer pieces of cheese in the world he opted to drink raw coconuts instead as not only was this a tasty treat he wasn’t allergic to but it was also an instant antidote to melon sized breasts and lower back trees.

After he finished off the coconuts he decided he wanted to eat some fungus from someones toes (this was unusual as the last time Steven did this he gave birth to an otter) after remembering this fact steven decided to chew on his fingers instead. Our main Character then decided he would go to Mcdonalds on a trike he had assembled using nothing but string but his decision soon changed as he wasn’t hungry and the nearest Mcdonalds was a huge 13 metres away!

As steve hadn’t done much but think for a while he came to a conclusion that he would do something so he punched a nearby pregnant woman in the face. He then proceeded in riding her down a steep hill like a sledge, and to finish off his little game, Steven shaved her head and glued her golden pigtails to his spindly legs. He then ran back to the sea side were the leather mining midgets were playing a game of leap frog monopoly.

As Steven studied GCSE physcology at the world famous Grammar school for cheese he knew how the midgets mind worked and his persuasive skills were very advanced. He shouted out to the midgets,

“Excuse me young gentlemen and not very gentle men I am also appealing to gentle women as well as not very gentle women.” Steve carried on with his announcement “Would any of you be kind enough to help me kill the evil green giant of Malaysia ?” The midgets looked at steven as if he had just excreted in his hands and then eaten it. This was mainly to do with the fact that he had just done that but also to do with the announcement he had just made but this was not it… Steven was cleverer than that, he continued…. ‘If you do help me I will give you all a packet of prawn cocktail chrisps…each!’ After hearing this the leather mining midgets were overjoyed and they all jumped into a nearby truck and set off to dragon island which is just off the Malaysian coast (this is an unregonised island on the official map of the world but I’m  pretty sure it exsists).

After approximately 3 minutes 43 seconds and 22 milliseconds Steven thought it would be a good and fun idea to learn the midgets names. So Steven stood up, rubbed his nipples and began shouting.

“What are your names! I repeat what are your names!”

There was silence. Steven repeated himself,

“What are your names! I repeat what are your names!”

once again there was silence. Steve who was now getting impatient with the midgets turned to what seemed like the last option he stood up and screamed

‘Just tell me your names you flipping swines!’ this seemed to work as the first midget stood up and shouted in a quiet bellowing voice,

“My name is Frank !”

Another midget stood up on his hind legs and rapped

“yo yo yo my name is Frank, you get me ?” he then shot an aadvark which was selling its body on the street corner.

A third midget then stood up, he was a funny looking fella who looked like a triad

“My name is Frank” he said in an italian voice.

A fourth midget attempted to stand up but couldn’t as he was a war veteran and had only 1 leg so he remained sat down and began screaming uncontrollably

 “My name is FRANK!”  “My name is FRANK!” “My name is FRANK!”

Steve suddenly realised There was a pattern emerging…. All the midgets were incredibly small!

Now I know what you’re thinking (and its true you do look fat in that dress) and I also know that your thinking of course they were all midgets they were leather mining midgets but you see Steven has limited common sense which is generally down to the fact he is not common and he is infact a piece of unknown cheese.

Another midget jumped to attention looked at Steve the cheese and shouted “I salute you Steven and My name is Frank”

Suddenly it hit him! (not the midget, the fact that they were all called Frank)

He decided to adress this situation

“May I ask why your all called Frank?”

“well..” said one of the midgets

“That is because Frank is the only name in the leather mining midget community”

“Isn’t that a bit silly?” exclaimed Steve

“well no not at all actually” replied Frank

“Whilst it may get confusing at times it also stops bullying and name calling and we have a lower crime rate than other midget communities”

This was a point well made by Frank which Steve also realised

“That is a point well made Frank” said Steve to Frank

“anyways lets stop talking about names and get on with killing this evil dragon because im gagging for some chrisps” Shouted Frank

Frank agreed with Frank’s statement

And Frank and Frank also thought this is what they should all be concentratiting on so Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Steve and Pete carried on there magical Journey to Dragon Island.

CHAPTER 2 – Genie Genius?

Steven began his journey back home and then he finished it. He sat down to watch Eastenders with a cup of fresh breast milk from the 96 year old asian prostitute living next door. As Steve laid back and relaxed he got a call from the president of Malaysia. Steven answered the phone.

 “Hello” he said as this is the conventional way of answering phones.

 “Ching chong” The president of Malaysia replied which is an unconventional way of replying.

After much thought and after consulting his Malaysian dictionary Steven realised that his earlier translation was wrong and the president wanted him to go kill the evil green dragon of Malaysia and not try drink a bowl of custard through a banana. This came as a relief to Steven as he had very bad allergies to both custard and banana which would lead to devestating effects. The challenge ahead however was much simpler than you may think as Steven lived next door to Malaysia and the evil green dragon was well known to steven as they once appeared in a musical version of hannibal which was a big hit at the local theatre.

Steven finished off his breast milk with one superhuman gulp, wiped his upper lip, got changed into his cashmere pin striped suit, jumped in his 1991 Ford Escort and began driving to Malaysia to defeat the evil green dragon.

As steven searched tirelessly he came across a genie in a can (as bottles are illegal in Malaysia.) The genie struggled to get out of the can due to the fact he weighed 34 stone and was a part time sumo wrestler in the international Genie Sumo Wrestling Championships. After Steven chuckled at the genies obeseness who was wearing nothing but 2 pair of socks, a pair of shoes, a man thong, a pair of trousers, a vest, a t-shirt,a tie, a jumper, a fleece and a wooly hat, steven decided he would cut the can in half and let the genie out.

The genie popped out of the can in a small cylindrial shape. He pulled a footpump out of his excrement area placed it in his mouth and began pumping himself up. Glancing down at Steven he remarked “thankyou my friend ive been trapped in their for 603 years. To repay you I would like to show you a picture of me in bed with a dead cat and I will also grant you 3 wishes.”

“hmmmmm 3 wishes…” Steven thought to himself “ I fancy one of those all in one play area’s.”

The genie questioned Steven “You mean like the one’s in Argoose”

Steven replied enthusiastically “Yes exactly like the one’s in Argoose”

The genie questioned steven further “Would you be happy with Item 334 on page 987”

Steven was amazed. This was the exact all in one playset he’d been dreaming about “Yes of course I want it!”

The genie granted his wish and the All in one Playset attached to a parachute started slowly descending from the sunset lit sky.

As the parachute got closer Steve started to make out a word on the underside of it. He was able to make out a P and an O and a G. As the parachute gradually got closer he was able to read it all “Poontang” steve muttered to himself

“What the hell is poontang?”

“I Don’t know its just a funny word” the genie sniggered to himself

The parachute then eventually reached the ground and landed in a nearby field which was populated by sheep. However after the parachute had been there a bit longer the population of the sheep had dramatically dropped as it had managed to suffocate at least 3 struggling lambs in a humorous fashion.

As Steven the cheese is a cunning fellow he decided to be clever with the genie and beat him at his own game. Steven said in a gay voice (as he decided it would be fun)

“For my second wish I want an extra wish” he then randomly screamed “turtle soup!”.

Fair wish the genie said. What steven didn’t realise was that he had just used one wish asking for another wish so he hadnt really got another wish, however he had not used a wish either. It turns out Steven wasn’t as cunning as I first thought.

 Steven decided it was time to say his second wish so Steven said “his second wish” he then decided he should tell the genie his second wish. “My second wish” bellowed steven in a quiet voice “I wish I had a field of potato trees”

“Okay your wish is granted” replied the genie and suddenly a field of potato tree’s appeared.

At the sight of this truly amazing miracle Steven lost all control of his body. He began drooling, he layed a little brown fish in his panties and he also did a wee wee. When he came around he remembered about his mother telling him about how midgets mined leather from under the sea. Unfortunately Steven also rememebered the dream he has had since he was a little cheese so he decided now was the time for it to come to true so that’s what happened Steven wished for a talking pink sheep!

The sheep fell from the sky in an indestructable glass box and landed in a big heap of elephant excrement which is amazing as elephants have been extinct in Malaysia for the past 300 hours.

Steven said thanks to the genie and began bonding with his newly aquired friend.

Steven looked at his Sheep and glanced up into the heavens when suddenly a voice called out from behind a cloud

“You shall call him Pete and he will be king of the Jews!”

Steve looked up at the cloud, turned round and revealed his lovely bottom to who or what was behind the cloud. Steve hates all religion in every way except christmas he likes christmas.

Steve jumped on his pink sheep and set off up the potato tree field.

It was then that he would embark on a truly amazing journey to try and find the leather mining midgets.

Chapter 1. Welcome to the unexpected.

Once upon a time, in a field of thyme there was a piece of cheese called Steven. Steven was just your average piece of cheese except for the fact he was exactly like a human but made of cheese. At times being made of cheese was a bonus both mentally and sexually but other times it was his major downfall.

As Steve sat staring out the window he wondered what his life was going to turn out like. He was in the middle of another science lesson and all he could think about was getting out of his boring old routine and doing something exciting with his life. As his friend Jebediah sat beside him they began discussing how good looking their teacher, Miss Pryce was. As they laid their phones upon the table listening to their favourite jazz record on Steve’s phone, Miss Pryce walked over.

“Shit, Where in trouble” Steve said to Jebediah.

“Hey Steve” Miss Pryce announced in her voice that was extremely similar to the voice of the science teacher called Miss Price I used to fancy at school,

“I really like that song can you send me it”

Steve breathed a sigh of relief and told Miss Pryce what he thought his Bluetooth name was. As she struggled to find it he suddenly remembered why. Earlier, Jebediah had changed Steve’s Bluetooth name to ‘Miss Pryce is fit’ and it didn’t take long for Miss Pryce to realise what Steve’s Bluetooth name now was. She had a shocked look on her face, stopped drinking her mineral water and carried on like nothing happened however she held Steve back after class.

As Steve sat there alone he wondered what punishment he was going to receive. Miss Pryce stamped down her authority by making Steve wait for her to finish her salmon sandwich before talking to him.

“Steve that was a very inappropriate thing to do. If it happens again, I think I’m going to have to inform the deputy head”

Steve was just about to reply when he finally realised what was going on. She had been drinking mineral water. She was eating a salmon sandwich. Miss Pryce was in fact, a bear.
She dived over the table roaring at Steve as she lunged for him with her right paw. Snarling menacingly, she hit Steve across the face with her left paw. After a long struggle and with a jacket, which was now torn to shreds, Steve managed to scramble towards the door. Miss Pryce was not going to let Steve get away this easily though and as she stood over him saliva covering her vicious face it looked like Steve was going to suffer a violent death. The door was forced open from the other side. Jebediah had come back to save his friend. He had arrived with a big pot of honey that distracted Miss Pryce from the savage attack she was inflicting on Steve. Jebediah threw the pot into the corner of the room, which caused Miss Pryce to get down on all fours and run towards the pot (by ‘pot’, I mean pot of honey not marijuana). As she concentrated on scooping the honey out of the pot with her paw, Jebediah ran over and plunged a biro in to her heart.

“Well that was very unexpected. I always thought I’d be drunk when I was involved in the killing of an endangered animal with a cheap writing implement ” exclaimed Steve quite calmly considering what had just happened

“Yer I really didn’t see that coming” replied Jebediah

“I did when I was playing with its balls”

“What?”

“Never mind…”

This near death experience opened Steve’s eyes up to the world of excitement. He realised he wanted to get into situations like this everyday but obviously with less bears and less chance of dying. Steve decided his usual routine was going to change and become the life people can only dream of.

After this sense of achievement Steve decided to go into town that night and celebrate.

As Steve propped up the bar he wondered why the owners just didn’t get the bar fixed, this was soon off his mind though as he spotted the famous two handed couple. Now you may be wondering what was so famous about the two handed couple but it was generally down to the fact that they were very famous porn stars and they had reached immense fame by having two hands between them, one each to be exact.

Someone else took over propping the bar up so Steve decided he was going to go over and finally meet his heroes but just incase Steve’s parents are reading Steve has not ever seen any of their films, or video’s on the internet nor has he downloaded video onto his phone, or the screensaver that he has on his computer  and he most definitely doesn’t have a scrap book of pictures hidden under his bed but he had certainly seen them in the paper once or twice.

As Steve approached he began to think about how you greet someone who is an amputee. Do you shake hands? What if you put out your right hand and they only have their left hand? Do you wiggle the stump? What if it’s a woman? Do you kiss the end of the stump? Do you lick the inward fold skin dimple? What is the modern day etiquette when it comes to this sort of situation?

Steve decided that he was going to play it safe and not offer a handshake.
“Bertram! Dorris! I’m a big fan of yours” Steve said to the two handed couple, as those were their names.

“Its always good to meet a fan” Dorris replied and outstretched his hand

Steve was relieved he had been worrying about nothing. Steve stuck out his right hand and shook hands with Bertram before explaining that he was infact a piece of cheese and not a fan. He couldn’t help noticing however that Bertram had somewhat of a feeble handshake and was therefore a massive quivering bumder.

 Steve turned to Dorris and outstretched his right hand once again. Dorris outstretched her right arm. There was no hand.

“Shit!” Steve thought to himself as he retracted his hand.

“Shit! That’s made it even worse.” Digging him deeper into a hole.

However quick as a flash Steve knew how to get out of it which is when the good old childish fake handshake came into play. As Dorris stood there with her stump outstretched, Steve lifted his hand to his face. Placed his thumb on his nose. Stuck out his tongue and then began to wiggle his fingers.

It was the perfect way of getting out of such a predicament. Even though he felt like a bit of a twat he decided he would of felt more of a twat if he’d have gone and wiggled the bloody stump (I used bloody as a swear word to add emphasis not because the hand had only been recently amputated).

As the night went on and the drinks began to flow Bertram, Dorris and Steve got to know each other better and they were soon good friends. It was Bertram’s round and he went to the bar to get the drinks. Steve looked over to Bertram who was trying to work out how he was going to carry three drinks. Steve realised his new friend was in a bit of a dilemma so he remembered his manners and shouted over to Bertram

“Bertram do you want a hand?”

“Shit!”

Bertram laughed at the irony before taking Steve up on his offer.

As they stood around drinking, the live entertainment began to start and onto the stage walked a bearded, middle-aged man with a guitar. The crowd began to applaud and Steve followed suit before falling into a fit of hysterics as he looked next to him to see Bertram and Dorris slapping each other’s hand to raise extra applause for the tramp look-a-like.

Bertram and Dorris did not appreciate this from Steve and began to delve into a rant about the difficulties and prejudices they suffer thanks to the fact that they only have one hand each. It was at this point Steve decided his night of celebration was over and he headed for the door.

As Steve began to walk down the high street he noticed his homosexual friend, Charmander, walking the other way. They stopped and began talking to each other. They had always been good friends but tonight Steve noticed a funny look Charmander had started to do occasionally.

“I’m dying for a pint, you fancy one?” asked Charmander.

“Yeah, Sure where shall we go?”

“Maybe we should go to the Kings head?” Charmander replied with a wink.
”Sure that’s fine by me” Steve replied without a wink.

And with that settled they went to the Kings head and had a pleasant evening.