After four minutes a man arrived carrying a large package.
“Are you Frank Steve and Peter?” questioned the man
“Yes we are” They all sung back in the style of a barbershop quartet
“Ok I hear you were preparing yourself for a long wait?” asked the man
“Yes we were” They all sung once again like a barbershop quartet
“Well here it is!” and out of the package the man pulled out a 7 foot long 30 kilogram weight. Steve Peter and Frank looked at the man with a look of disgust.
“That was shit” they all said not amused
“I thought that was a great joke on the fact that weight and wait both sound the same, are spelt differently and mean different things”
“Yeah well its not is it” Replied Frank
“It's shit” he continued
“So why don’t you just take ur
“Albino land?” asked the man
And with that ridiculous answer the Greek god of humour, Gayanustus, flew out of the sky and punched a pineapple through the idiot man’s face.
“Well that was a perfectly reasonable thing to happen” said Peter the talking pink sheep
“Yes this sort of normal mundane thing happens everyday” replied Steven
As they settled down to wait once again Steven noticed a book next to the boat hire. Steven stood up and went to investigate. As he drew closer he could make out a black haired spectacled moron on the front cover. It was the new Harry Potter book. ‘Harry Potter And The Grizzly Bear That Eats Sexy Paedophiles’. This looks like a good book Steve thought to himself and with that decided he sat down and opened up to page one.
After a short time reading, Steve through the book into the air in disgust.
“What the frig diddly dog shizzle is this? A magic school and a ginger kid with two friends! I’ve had enough of this unrealistic, pointless nonsense.”
Just as Steve finished his rant nothing amazing happened. However three minutes after Steve finished his rant, The owner of the boat hire appeared.
After a short interesting conversation where many humorous things happened which I can’t be bothered to write down an agreement was settled and Steven was handed the keys to an amazing vessel magestically floating before his very eyes, It then stopped floating before his eyes and went back to floating in the sea.
Steve, Pete and Frank walked over to the boat and looked it up and down. They then winked and asked for its phone number but it went no further than that. They walked towards the boat door or to the plank to get onto the boat or however you get on a boat nowadays I don’t know and they then began to look around. After they looked around they realised it would create a more interesting story and be more useful to all of them if they looked around the boat instead of just looking around. After a brief exploration it turns out it won’t be very exciting for the story as the amazing vessel wasn’t so amazing after all, however I shall make up for this lack of excitement with an extract from my local takeaways menu;
‘Any 3 12” Pizzas Large French Fries Small Garlic & Chilli Sauce £15.00
Chicken Boti in Naan Salad, Sauce & Pepsi £3.50
Donner in Naan Salad, Sauce £2.50
Chicken Wrap (fresh breast) & fries, Salad, Sauce & Pepsi £2.50’
To be honest if I was you I’d go for the chicken wrap option its very nice and its only a small price to pay for such a wonderful meal.
As Steve turned on the engine, he wondered how a boat engine could be sexually aroused, this thought soon went out of his head however as Pete was casually playing with his penis.
“Pete what the hell are you doing?” Steve asked
“Just playing with my penis”
“What are you playing with it for?” Steve questioned further
“Well… I fancied a game of tiddlywinks but your too busy attempting to get the boat going and Frank is too busy tickling a penguin ”
“Oh ok ….WAIT A MINUTE !” Steve shouted in a shouting voice as he thought that shouting would get across the extent of how surprised he was knowing that Frank was tickling a penguin
“There’s A penguin on board! I’ve got to see this!”
Frank sprinted around to the other side of the boat and there infront of his very eyes was Frank tickling a penguin but what Pete failed to mention was that it was a chocolate biscuit and not the black and white bird that can’t fly (by ‘black and white bird that can’t fly’ I mean a real penguin that you see on the tv not a mixed race lady. On the subject of mixed race ladies Halle Berry
“Why the hell are you tickling a biscuit?” asked Steven confused
“I’m not tickling it! I’m trying to pull the wrapper up so I can Find the answer to the joke which I’m sure will be amazing ”
“Well hurry up I can’t wait to hear it!”
Much more groping and fondling of the biscuit ensued untill finally…
“Yes I’ve got it. Ok here goes… Why Can’t Polar bears fly?”
“I’m sure there’s numerous reasons” answered Steven
“Oh My God you got it right, you’ve obviusly had this one before”
“ Is that seriously the answer?”
“Yes do you get it hahaahaa” Frank replied laughing out loud, rolling on the floor laughing and laughing his arse off.
“That my friend… was shit.” Steve said without a hint of sarcasm
However Frank was too busy re-attaching his gluteus maximus to hear what Steve had said so Steve walked back round to the place where you steer the boat and turn the engine on and stuff (This is commonly known as the Chatterton Room as you’ll surely know. If you didn’t know this you’re obviously a pauper who can’t afford a boat and you don’t deserve to be reading this book you working class camel anus.)
Steve began what will end up turning out to be a lovely journey to dragon island as he steered the boat out of the harbour and onto the open sea’s. As Steve carried on his hard work in the Chatterton room Frank and Pete came over and joined him. After another five minutes of hard sailing Frank Pete and Steve decided to play I spy with my little eye. Frank decided he would go first.
“ I spy with my little eye something beginning with D”
“Is it darkness” asked Steven immediately
“Yes! How did you know?” Frank replied
“You’re supposed to do it with your eyes open you dumb shit” Steve said wondering if he was the only person he knew not to be blessed with the retard gene
“ohhhhh that makes more sense now” Frank replied with a sense of realisation
After that ridiculous first round of I spy they decided they should concentrate on sailing and stop playing idiotic games.
Another minute of uneventful sailing passed and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then something eventful happened…Steve went to the toilet! However after Steven had been to the toilet and done a ridiculously sized poo he went back to sailing the boat where a minute of uneventful sailing passed and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another… Suddenly out of nowhere nothing happened. Of course nothing happened. What the hell comes out of nowhere? Everything has got to come from somewhere. What kind of stupid saying is that? ‘oh my god I crashed into this car it came out of nowhere it wasn’t my fault’ shut up bitch it obviously came from somewhere. Gaaaaawd people nowadays! Stop doing your make up when your suposed to be driving and then you might see the car that came out of SOMEWHERE!
As Steve Continued Sailing the boat he began wondering when something eventful was going to happen when all of a sudden out of somewhere Steve saw something. At first glance it looked like a gigantic piece of wood but as Steve got closer it looked like a disgustingly deformed Elephant but as he got even closer it looked like a manatee (google it if you’re ignorant to the wonders of the ocean).
Steve thought to himself…I’m not going to tell you what he thought though as he thought to himself. He didn’t think to you. He thought to himself.
As steve got within touching distance of this beast of the sea he realised what it was. It wasn’t a gigantic piece of wood at all. It wasn’t a deformed elephant either. It wasn’t even a manatee. Yep you’ve guessed it. It was Shannon Matthews!
With Steve’s retina’s burning he did what we would all do and drove straight ahead shielding his eyes from the unfortunate girl (apparently). As Steve carried on ahead he decided he needed to get what he had just seen out of his mind so he began making up limericks about himself.
“There was once a piece of cheese called Steve
who carried a Sperm stained hanky up his sleeve
With a laugh and a cry
And scream of ‘go die!’
It turns out his ex was quite naïve”
Steve laughed out loud at his comical genius and it was obviously more funny because it rhymes. Yay for rhyming!
Steven then began to reminisce about his ex girlfriend.
“Why did she have to be a queeb!” Steven cried out as the great memories he had with his ex girlfriend Pertunia came flooding back to him
“I thought we were going to marry and then she turns around and tells me she likes women cheeses!, All that time I thought she was straight and it was a bare faced lie she was a queeb all along”
“Whats a queeb?” asked Pete delicately trying to hide the fact he was laughing at the ridiculous noise Steven was making when crying (imagine putting a horse in a blender. He sounded like that)
“A queeb is lesbanom piece of cheese” Steve replied too devasted to pronounce lesbian correctly.
“Oh okay…who’s Shannon Matthews by the way?” Pete questioned further
“She’s just a girl the TV companies found behind a bin down an alley and they decided to exploit her looks to show that ugly people exist too” Steve answered correctly
“Oh but everyone is beautiful in someway. Just because your not the best looking doesn’t mean you’re a monster. Its whats on the inside that matters. If your beautiful on the inside its all that counts.” Pete said sincerely
Steve laughed at the stupidity of this comment he then laughed again and laughed again even louder.
“You really think the author of this story got where he is today by being beautiful on the inside?” asked Steven
“To be honest after whats going on this story I think the author has got where he is today by taking lots and lots of acid” Pete replied
“Well… You’re wrong! He got where he is today by being extremely good looking and having a large penis” Said Steven maybe correctly
“I heard its 3 inches” Pete Said
“Yer I heard that too” Frank chipped in
Erm … and then… it erm… something …. erm…. It turns out Pete and Frank had lost their minds! Oh NO !!!
But fortunately Steve spat on both their faces and they became normal again due to Steve’s healing spit.
“What were we talking about again?” Frank Asked
“Giraffes I think” I made Steve reply
“Bastards aren’t they? They’re so smug with their long necks” Pete replied jealously
“How you know they have long necks? How do you no they don’t have normal sized necks and ridiculously small bodies legs and heads?” Steve said cleverly
And with that amazingly unanswerable question Frank and Pete left Steve and went to think about the answer by themselves.
As Steve carried on sailing the boat towards dragon island, he decided he would read his paper to cure the boredom of boating.
Steve looked at the headline on the front page ‘Horrific Rape in Alley’ he then began to wonder whether they was any other type of rape and thought that he’d like to see a change, maybe someday seeing a headline which reads;
‘Hilarious Rape as Goat Unwillingly Performs Sex Act on Clown’
As Steve carried on flicking through the paper something suddenly jumped out at him however this would turn out to crush his dreams as it turns out the headline ‘Village still looking for Paedophile’ was not a vacancy.
After Steve read many more heartbreaking stories and the odd story about how animals have got there head stuck in numerous funny places he put down his paper and continued navigating the boat when out of somewhere Dragon Island was suddenly visible on the horizon.
