It was a crisp morning and the sun was once again shining brightly out of Bob Geldof’s arse as Steve, Pete and Frank met up in town to decide where they were going to have their picnic (a meal outside not the chocolate bar).
After a short conversation between Pete and Frank they decided they would go to the cemetary for a lovely friendly al fresco dinner together. Steve had not said anything all morning and Pete and Frank were becoming worried about their friend especially as he was now slitting his wrists with a sharp butchers knife. However after looking into this act of apparent self harm, Frank realised Steve was just getting into the swing of the picnic and was making some cheese strings for everybody to share.
Pete unpacked the picnic basket and wondered why he had bothered joining this picnic as he would just be as happy grazing in a field and eating grass.
As Steve broke down in floods of tears, Frank began to realise there was something wrong.
“Whats the matter Steve?’ Frank asked sensitively
“Matter is anything that has both mass and volume. A more rigorous definition is matter is what atoms and molecules are made of. Matter is commonly said to exist in four states, solid, liquid, gas and plasma.. In everyday human environments, matter is closely related to, and in many contexts equivalent to, mass.
In the realm of relativity, matter can be equated to energy via the equation E = mc2. In the realm of cosmology other forms of matter and energy, such as dark matter and dark energy are invoked to explain the behaviour of the observable universe but can you not see that I’m not in the mood to explain such things.”
“I’m sorry but I didn’t mean that I meant whats up?”
Steve looked up “The sun, the sky, the clouds, the moon, a bird, a plane, superman, Jupiter, Pluto, Mercury, Russell Brands penis, Venus, Japan, Mars, Uranus….
“Sorry to interupt but I didn’t mean that either and my anus is definitely still here and not up there but yer I’ll rephrase myself again, How are you?”
“How am I what? How am I breathing? How am I talking? How am I Masterbating? How am I juggling crabsticks? How am I stroking mushrooms with my toes? How am I looking so wonderfully attractive? How do I keep in shape? How am I what? I’m really not in the mood for non specific questions!”
“Okay then. Why are you crying you cheesy shit?”
“I boffed a tranny”
“I’m sorry you did what now?”
“Well, you know Jim?”
“Yer that fit black naked girl”
“I’ll stop you there. It turns out she hasn’t always been a girl”
“You mean she’s a….
“Yep”
“You mean she isnt really a …”
“Yep”
“Ohhhh Well give me two minutes of thinking time”
“Why?” Steve asked worringly
“I’m going to cheer you up. Its no that bad Steve don’t worry. It could happen to anyone.”
“Well I’m glad you’re such a good friend Frank I know I could trust you.”
“Its all right that’s what I’m here for but can I just have some thinking time so I can cheer my best friend up” Frank said with a smile that had a hint of frustration
“Ok then, no worries Frank.” Steve replied starting to smile a bit.
A few minutes of silence past. Frank was looking into the sky for inspiration, Steves Wailing and loud sobbing became muffled sniffs whilst Pete ran around the cemetary with a pack of wolves in pursuit which Steve and Frank failed to notice.
“Right You ready to be happy again Steve?” Frank asked
“I sure am!” Steve replied enthusiastically
“Right then. Here Goes….
Steve fucked a tranny
Steve fucked a tranny
She used to have a dick
But now she has a fanny
Ooooooooh
Steve you just fucked an ex man
But you’d of been better off with my dead nan
Because at least her minge is real
Which is kind of a big a deal
If you want to please someone when you have a feel
Ooooooooh
Steve I’m sure you were pleased
When you were touched and teased
But the Black girl called Jemima
Turned out to be a black man with a fake vagina
And it deserves a song and dance rather than a one liner
Oooooooooh
You should of realised that with a name like Jim
She really shouldn’t of had a quim
But to be honest I thought ‘she’ was quite fit
Even with a little rubber clit
And a plastic right and left tit
Ooooooooh
Steve We still love you
And it will always be true
Because since we met
You’ve been a safe bet
Apart from the time you took that ket
But that’s in the past
And the future is coming fast
Much like you last night
Before you were given that awful fright
Oooooooooh
Steve I’ll find you a proper girl don’t worry
And I’ll make sure her old cock didn’t end up in a curry
But I don’t think you’ll be in much of a hurry
Because you need to concentrate on finding the dragon
So you can’t jump on the bandwagon”
Steve sat silently for a while before bursting out in laughter.
“Well if you can’t laugh at yourself you can’t laugh at anything” Steve said
It looked like Franks amazing song had done the trick. Steve was back to his usual self again and they sat down to get on with their picnic whilst watching Pete play with his friends in the distance.
After some tasty potato based products and other confectionary items Steve couldn’t help but notice a man walking through the entrance to the cemetary before going behind a gravestone and squatting down.
Steve thought that it was at times like this that the kindness of strangers helped people get through their bad times. Steve began to approach the man who seemed to have tears rolling down his eyes. Steve got closer before deciding to give him a friendly hello.
“Morning”
“No. Just having a shit.” The man replied.
At that very moment Pete ran up to Steve looking distressed which was a great reason for Steve to leave the man alone and leave that awkward moment behind without having to say anything. It was also a great reason for me to move on from that joke because I don’t know where the fuck I was going to go from there.
“Steve mi je potrebno da biste dobili vanjska strana od ovdje!” Screamed Pete
“Pete you know I don’t speak croation” Steve replied slightly annoyed and confused.
“I do apologise Steve but as I was saying in croation, We need to get out of here!”
“But why?”
“I’m being chased by wolves and they’ve just bitten my right testicle off!”
Steve laughed and then laughed again before laughing once more it was at this point the realisation of what was going on dawned on him and with that realisation realised Steve realised he should shout over to Frank about the realisation he had just realised and then inform him to run like he and Steve were about to do.
“Run” Shouted Steve
So that’s what they all did, heading out of the cemetary and back into town.
