CHAPTER 8 – The High Sea’s

 After four minutes a man arrived carrying a large package.

“Are you Frank Steve and Peter?” questioned the man

“Yes we are” They all sung back in the style of a barbershop quartet

“Ok I hear you were preparing yourself for a long wait?” asked the man

“Yes we were” They all sung once again like a barbershop quartet

“Well here it is!” and out of the package the man pulled out a 7 foot long 30 kilogram weight. Steve Peter and Frank looked at the man with a look of disgust.

“That was shit” they all said not amused

“I thought that was a great joke on the fact that weight and wait both sound the same, are spelt differently and mean different things”

“Yeah well its not is it” Replied Frank

“It's shit” he continued

“So why don’t you just take ur bloody long piece of metal and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine”

“Albino land?” asked the man

And with that ridiculous answer the Greek god of humour, Gayanustus, flew out of the sky and punched a pineapple through the idiot man’s face.

“Well that was a perfectly reasonable thing to happen” said Peter the talking pink sheep

“Yes this sort of normal mundane thing happens everyday” replied Steven

As they settled down to wait once again Steven noticed a book next to the boat hire. Steven stood up and went to investigate. As he drew closer he could make out a black haired spectacled moron on the front cover. It was the new Harry Potter book. ‘Harry Potter And The Grizzly Bear That Eats Sexy Paedophiles’. This looks like a good book Steve thought to himself and with that decided he sat down and opened up to page one.

After a short time reading, Steve through the book into the air in disgust.

“What the frig diddly dog shizzle is this? A magic school and a ginger kid with two friends! I’ve had enough of this unrealistic, pointless nonsense.”

Just as Steve finished his rant nothing amazing happened. However three minutes after Steve finished his rant, The owner of the boat hire appeared.

After a short interesting conversation where many humorous things happened which I can’t be bothered to write down an agreement was settled and Steven was handed the keys to an amazing vessel magestically floating before his very eyes, It then stopped floating before his eyes and went back to floating in the sea.

Steve, Pete and Frank walked over to the boat and looked it up and down. They then winked and asked for its phone number but it went no further than that. They walked towards the boat door or to the plank to get onto the boat or however you get on a boat nowadays I don’t know and they then began to look around. After they looked around they realised it would create a more interesting story and be more useful to all of them if they looked around the boat instead of just looking around. After a brief exploration it turns out it won’t be very exciting for the story as the amazing vessel wasn’t so amazing after all, however I shall make up for this lack of excitement with an extract from my local takeaways menu;

‘Any 3 12” Pizzas Large French Fries Small Garlic & Chilli Sauce £15.00

Chicken Boti in Naan Salad, Sauce & Pepsi £3.50

Donner in Naan Salad, Sauce £2.50

Chicken Wrap (fresh breast) & fries, Salad, Sauce & Pepsi £2.50’

 To be honest if I was you I’d go for the chicken wrap option its very nice and its only a small price to pay for such a wonderful meal.

As Steve turned on the engine, he wondered how a boat engine could be sexually aroused, this thought soon went out of his head however as Pete was casually playing with his penis.

“Pete what the hell are you doing?” Steve asked

“Just playing with my penis”

“What are you playing with it for?” Steve questioned further

“Well… I fancied a game of tiddlywinks but your too busy attempting to get the boat going and Frank is too busy tickling a penguin ”

“Oh ok ….WAIT A MINUTE !” Steve shouted in a shouting voice as he thought that shouting would get across the extent of how surprised he was knowing that Frank was tickling a penguin

“There’s A penguin on board! I’ve got to see this!”

Frank sprinted around to the other side of the boat and there infront of his very eyes was Frank tickling a penguin but what Pete failed to mention was that it was a chocolate biscuit and not the black and white bird that can’t fly (by ‘black and white bird that can’t fly’ I mean a real penguin that you see on the tv not a mixed race lady. On the subject of mixed race ladies Halle Berry is well fit!)

“Why the hell are you tickling a biscuit?” asked Steven confused

“I’m not tickling it! I’m trying to pull the wrapper up so I can Find the answer to the joke which I’m sure will be amazing ”

“Well hurry up I can’t wait to hear it!”

Much more groping and fondling of the biscuit ensued untill finally…

“Yes I’ve got it. Ok here goes… Why Can’t Polar bears fly?”

“I’m sure there’s numerous reasons” answered Steven

“Oh My God you got it right, you’ve obviusly had this one before”

“ Is that seriously the answer?”

“Yes do you get it hahaahaa” Frank replied laughing out loud, rolling on the floor laughing and laughing his arse off.

“That my friend… was shit.” Steve said without a hint of sarcasm

However Frank was too busy re-attaching his gluteus maximus to hear what Steve had said so Steve walked back round to the place where you steer the boat and turn the engine on and stuff (This is commonly known as the Chatterton Room as you’ll surely know. If you didn’t know this you’re obviously a pauper who can’t afford a boat and you don’t deserve to be reading this book you working class camel anus.)

Steve began what will end up turning out to be a lovely journey to dragon island as he steered the boat out of the harbour and onto the open sea’s. As Steve carried on his hard work in the Chatterton room Frank and Pete came over and joined him. After another five minutes of hard sailing Frank Pete and Steve decided to play I spy with my little eye. Frank decided he would go first.

“ I spy with my little eye something beginning with D”

“Is it darkness” asked Steven immediately

“Yes! How did you know?” Frank replied

“You’re supposed to do it with your eyes open you dumb shit” Steve said wondering if he was the only person he knew not to be blessed with the retard gene

“ohhhhh that makes more sense now” Frank replied with a sense of realisation

After that ridiculous first round of I spy they decided they should concentrate on sailing and stop playing idiotic games.

Another minute of uneventful sailing passed and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then something eventful happened…Steve went to the toilet! However after Steven had been to the toilet and done a ridiculously sized poo he went back to sailing the boat where a minute of uneventful sailing passed and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another… Suddenly out of nowhere nothing happened. Of course nothing happened. What the hell comes out of nowhere? Everything has got to come from somewhere. What kind of stupid saying is that? ‘oh my god I crashed into this car it came out of nowhere it wasn’t my fault’ shut up bitch it obviously came from somewhere. Gaaaaawd people nowadays! Stop doing your make up when your suposed to be driving and then you might see the car that came out of SOMEWHERE!

As Steve Continued Sailing the boat he began wondering when something eventful was going to happen when all of a sudden out of somewhere Steve saw something. At first glance it looked like a gigantic piece of wood but as Steve got closer it looked like a disgustingly deformed Elephant but as he got even closer it looked like a manatee (google it if you’re ignorant to the wonders of the ocean).

Steve thought to himself…I’m not going to tell you what he thought though as he thought to himself. He didn’t think to you. He thought to himself.

As steve got within touching distance of this beast of the sea he realised what it was. It wasn’t a gigantic piece of wood at all. It wasn’t a deformed elephant either. It wasn’t even a manatee. Yep you’ve guessed it. It was Shannon Matthews!

With Steve’s retina’s burning he did what we would all do and drove straight ahead shielding his eyes from the unfortunate girl (apparently). As Steve carried on ahead he decided he needed to get what he had just seen out of his mind so he began making up limericks about himself.

“There was once a piece of cheese called Steve

who carried a Sperm stained hanky up his sleeve

With a laugh and a cry

And scream of ‘go die!’

It turns out his ex was quite naïve”

Steve laughed out loud at his comical genius and it was obviously more funny because it rhymes. Yay for rhyming!

Steven then began to reminisce about his ex girlfriend.

“Why did she have to be a queeb!” Steven cried out as the great memories he had with his ex girlfriend Pertunia came flooding back to him

“I thought we were going to marry and then she turns around and tells me she likes women cheeses!, All that time I thought she was straight and it was a bare faced lie she was a queeb all along”

“Whats a queeb?” asked Pete delicately trying to hide the fact he was laughing at the ridiculous noise Steven was making when crying (imagine putting a horse in a blender. He sounded like that)

“A queeb is lesbanom piece of cheese” Steve replied too devasted to pronounce lesbian correctly.

“Oh okay…who’s Shannon Matthews by the way?” Pete questioned further

“She’s just a girl the TV companies found behind a bin down an alley and they decided to exploit her looks to show that ugly people exist too” Steve answered correctly

“Oh but everyone is beautiful in someway. Just because your not the best looking doesn’t mean you’re a monster. Its whats on the inside that matters. If your beautiful on the inside its all that counts.” Pete said sincerely

Steve laughed at the stupidity of this comment he then laughed again and laughed again even louder.

“You really think the author of this story got where he is today by being beautiful on the inside?” asked Steven

“To be honest after whats going on this story I think the author has got where he is today by taking lots and lots of acid” Pete replied

“Well… You’re wrong! He got where he is today by being extremely good looking and having a large penis” Said Steven maybe correctly

“I heard its 3 inches” Pete Said

“Yer I heard that too” Frank chipped in

Erm … and then… it erm… something …. erm…. It turns out Pete and Frank had lost their minds! Oh NO !!!

But fortunately Steve spat on both their faces and they became normal again due to Steve’s healing spit.

“What were we talking about again?” Frank Asked

“Giraffes I think” I made Steve reply

“Bastards aren’t they? They’re so smug with their long necks” Pete replied jealously

“How you know they have long necks? How do you no they don’t have normal sized necks and ridiculously small bodies legs and heads?” Steve said cleverly

And with that amazingly unanswerable question Frank and Pete left Steve and went to think about the answer by themselves.

As Steve carried on sailing the boat towards dragon island, he decided he would read his paper to cure the boredom of boating.

Steve looked at the headline on the front page ‘Horrific Rape in Alley’ he then began to wonder whether they was any other type of rape and thought that he’d like to see a change, maybe someday seeing a headline which reads;

‘Hilarious Rape as Goat Unwillingly Performs Sex Act on Clown’

As Steve carried on flicking through the paper something suddenly jumped out at him however this would turn out to crush his dreams as it turns out the headline ‘Village still looking for Paedophile’ was not a vacancy.

After Steve read many more heartbreaking stories and the odd story about how animals have got there head stuck in numerous funny places he put down his paper and continued navigating the boat when out of somewhere Dragon Island was suddenly visible on the horizon.

CHAPTER 7 – Magic Magic Man !

As Steve came out of his trance he wondered what had happened recently as he now had a curly twisty chocolate piece of confectionary  in the place where he used to have an arm.

“Why the hell is this here” Steven said pointing to his curly chocolatey arm with his fully functioning cheesy arm.

Frank nervously replied it was the best he could do considering the circumstances.

“What were the circumstances may I ask?” asked Steven

“Well… you were missing an arm so I thought I’d make you one” answered Frank

“You havn’t really made me an arm though have you? You’ve just stuck a ridiculously shaped piece of chocolate into a gaping wound which still seems to be bleeding like a virgin”

Frank dropped his head in shame

“I’m really sorry I thought it would come in handy” Frank said worryingly

“Handy? Are you trying to be funny?” Steve questioned angrily

“Yes what did you thing?” replied Frank

“I liked the pun slightly but its been done before and you could improve your delivery I suppose” Steve advised Frank

“thanks I’ll take what you said into consideration and try to improve my work for my next stand up act” steve gratefully replied

“No proble…..Wait a minute! You distracted me why am I giving you comedy tips when I’ve got a bloody Curly Wurly for an arm!” Shouted Steve

“I think its original” replied Frank

“Hitler having one ball was original but I don’t see everyone walking round lobsided do you?” Quizzed steve

“ To be fair Hitler wasn’t a very nice man..He wasn’t a very nice half of man either …Da dum tish!” Answered Frank

“how about that? Did you like that one?” continued Frank

“Actually I didn’t think it was too good, I didn’t like the punch line. He wasn’t a very nice half of man either? It doesn’t really make sense to be honest Frank. If I was you I’d drop that from your act if you were planning on doing it” added Steven

“Thanks for being honest Steve” Frank gratefully replied.

“Its ok that’s what im here for but shall we hurry up and get the boat to Dragon Island its no good us being stood around here all day is it?” Steve suggested

As Steve, Frank and Peter walked closer towards the boat hire at the end of the pier, Frank began to wonder how long it would be before Steven realised he had been distracted once again from his Curly Wurly arm. It seems it would be a fairly long time as Steve was in deep thought about Hitlers testicles.

Suddenly Frank had a gut feeling in his brain that something weird was happening.

“What the hell is going on!” Shouted Frank worryingly

Moments after he had shouted this Frank Began to grow at an alarming rate. Within Seconds he had grown at least 3 feet (36 inches not 3 foots) His fingers were no longer humorous stumps and he looked rather normal.

“Why the hell has this happened?” Frank asked rhetorically

“I don’t know do I” replied Steve

“Its rhetorical you fanny you’re not supposed to answer” Frank said

As if by magic, A magician appeared.

“Abracadabra Alakazam Why not have a perfect new arm made of ham?” The magician said mysteriously

As if my magic Steve’s curly wurly arm disapeared and a perfect new arm made of ham took its place.

“Thanks and everything” Said Steve “but its still not exactly my normal arm is it?

“Well Alakazam Doesn’t rhyme with Cheese does it” the magician correctly pointed out

“Yer I spose so but why does it have to rhyme? I thought it was just medievel witches that had to rhyme their spells? Harry Potter never rhymes anything does he?” Steve equally correct pointed out

“Yer your right Steven but I think I forgot to mention I’m The Amazing Harry! Part Time Rhyming Magician, Part Time plumber, Part time Electrician! but Harry who?” Replied the magician

“Harry Potter” Replied Steve

“Barry Dotter?” Questioned Harry

“No Harry Potter” Replied Steve more clearly

“Barry and Harry?” Questioned Harry

“Noooo Harry Potter” Replied Steve even more clearly

“Barry And Paul Chuckle?” Questioned Harry once again

“HARRY POTTER!!” Shouted Steve

“The Demographic Republic Of Horticulture and Delilah?” Questioned Harry surprisingly

“Right… I’ll say it slowly and loudly …. Iiiiiittttttttt!” Steve Said helpfully

“To be honest I don’t understand why that would help” Harry asked confusingly

“To be honest I just did it for Comical effect but are you hard of hearing or something how the hell does Harry Potter sound like The demographic Republic of Horticulture and Delilah?” Asked steve worringly

“I am the Amazing Harry Part Time Rhyming Magician, Part Time plumber, Part time Electrician! There is no one else in this world called Harry. So I just chose to annoy your for suggesting such a thing” Harry said proudly

“Nob!” Steve said under his breath

“Anyways sorry about that. For putting up with me I think I might help you out and give you your normal arm back.”

“Abracadarba Alakazam Give him an arm of cheese instead of that bloody ham!”

Suddenly Steve’s ham arm fell to the ground and was instantly replaced by a new cheese arm which looked like his original arm.

“OH MY GOD!” Shouted steve in sheer delight

“My work here is done” Said Harry and As if by a rubbish badly prepared and practised ‘trick’ he dissapeared in a puff of smoke.

“Well that was nice” Said Steve to Frank who was still coming to terms with his new height.

Frank knew very well why he was suddenly normal height but didn’t feel like telling Steve as he thought it would be best to keep it to himself and definitely not because I can’t be arsed writing another conversation so soon. It turns out however that because Frank was no longer a leather mining midget the not so special powers of being a leather mining midget were taken away from him by the almighty Leather mining midget, Bob. Due to this Frank was no longer a midget and now knew nothing about the art of mining leather however Frank didn’t seem to mind this as he now felt like a real boy! However not a real boy like pinocchio as Frank has never been molested by an old man called Gipetto.

Once again Steve, Peter and Frank began their seemingly endless journy towards the boat hire. After four steps they were once again distracted by something magical/weird/scary/random and something magical/weird/scary/random happened and then something else happened and then whatever it was that was magical/weird/scary/random dissapeared. (You can fill this paragraph in yourself. God imagine that! Make your own story up! What will I think of next!…)

Once again Steve, Peter and Frank made their way towards the boat hire. After 14 seconds of walking they made it. It was closed. Steve looked at the Sign. ‘No dogs except Guidedogs’. It turns out this sign was irrelevant. Steve looked at another Sign. ‘Open 10.30 – 20.30’. This sign seemed more relevant but it really wasn’t as the opening times actually refer to your slutty mothers legs and not to the time the boat hire is open. Steve looked at another sign. ‘Boat hire opening times 10.30 – 21.30’.

“What time is it now?” Steve asked Peter 

“baaaaaaa” Peter replied

“Just talk you cock. Enough with the baa baa pink sheep crap.” Steve said

“according to the watch on my right front leg its half past pineapple, according to the watch on my left front leg its gertrude and a pint glass to geography, according to the watch on my right back leg its quarter past the 19^th century and according to the watch on my left back leg its time for some Bam! Who needs separate butter and jam? When you can have bam! Its butter AND jam!”

“Bloody turkish with their fancy crap watches!” Steve announced angrilly

“looks like we’ll just have to wait here till someone turns up” Frank said

And with that said Frank Steve and Peter prepared themselves for a long wait.

Chapter 6 – The Lion, The Franks And the Megasaurarse

As Steven, Peter, and Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank and Frank made their way towards the boat hire at the end of the harbour Steve noticed a shooting star flying above his head. However this was the day time so how would he be able to see a shooting star ? As Steve looked closer he realised it was the truck driver who was now on fire and flying through the air. As he looked even closer he saw a sign attached to his leg which read ‘I love gays they are lovely people’. Steve thought for a while and then questioned himself about why he was thinking about the terrible treatment of Afghan prisoners by British troops. Steve then laughed to himself as he remembered Afghanistan isnt a real country as it was just made up so that the army could protend they were doing something when actually there all outside chasing gypsy’s and everyone loves a good gypsy beating, so once again steve laughed but this time his laugh was louder and his penis was more erect which came to the attention of a nearby sailor.

“How much for sucky sucky ?” asked the sailor to a deeply aroused steven

“I’m sorry could you rephrase that? Questioned steven

“Of course I can” I replied

“Not you, you faggot! The sailor, why would I ask you to rephrase something you’re the one writing the bloody story” steve shouted angrily

Suddenly I decided that I didn’t like steve’s attitude towards me so I decided in this part of the story Steve will get raped.

“YOUR MINE !” screamed the sailor as he lunged towards a less erect steven

“I’m sorry could you rephrase that?” asked Steve obviously distraught at what seemed to be happening

“I was just commenting on how I am going to take advantage and have non consensual sex with you and you have no choice in this matter” replied the sailor

“well at least I know whats going on now thank vishnu for well spoken sailors” cried steven as he became closer and closer to losing his dignity.

As the time passed Steve’s screams became quiter, The sailor’s breathing became deeper, the 10 franks vigorous masturbating became more and more half hearted and peters baa’s started to sound like raaawrs…. But no! Peter was at the end of the harbour chewing on a dead seagulls surprisingly large penis so what was making the lion noises?

 It couldn’t be could it ?

Could it be ?

It bloody was!

It was a great big bloody lion !

After a moments hesitation, The lion lunged at the sailor and completely ripped his stupid rapey face off. Steve took a chance but unfortunately he had to pay a £100 doctors fee.

“Damn” cried steven

“I should of gone for the Community Chest”

Steve decided to take another Chance to get out of this sticky situation he was in

“YES!” screamed steven in sheer delight

“I’ve won second prize in a beauty contest collect £10”

“This is one of the happiest moments of my life” exclaimed steven.

Worryingly this was only a matter of seconds after he’d been horribly raped but im not one to dwell on these things.

Steve decided to take another chance which was related to the scary situation he was in and he pushed the sailor closer towards the lion and made a run for it. Unfortunately for steve his anus hadnt recovered in time to do some running so he collapsed on the floor in a pile of cheesyness.

As the lion became bored of the now drastically disfigured sailor he edged closer towards the shaking yellow mess on the floor. The lion got closer and closer untill steve could feel his warm bloody thirsty breath on the back of his neck, Steve then wondered how he had managed to breathe onto his own neck and why it was so blood thirsty. He then decided he should concentrate on the situation in hand and became gradually more terrified as he felt the lion’s beer thirsty breath on the back of his ear. Steve shuddered.

“I’m too cheesy to die!” Shouted Steve

The lion’s tremendous mouth began to open, and his gillete mach 3 turbo sharp teeth glistened in the sunlight.

All of a sudden steve remembered something.

“the paper bag full of evil tramp germs! Of course!”

Without thinking thrice steve shoved the bag of tramp germs into the lions mouth.

Obviously this would of done nothing anywhere else

But tramp germs mixed with see air that’s a whole different thing, and within the amount of time it took to write this sentence the Lions head had exploded and was now splattered around the harbour.

“Well…Thanks for the help” steve said sarcastically towards the 10 Franks

“To be honest we wanted you to die” said one of the Franks

“yes that’s true” said another Frank

“I agree” said another Frank

“As do I” said another Frank

“one also agrees” said another Frank

“To be honest I just wanted you to be seriously injured” commented another Frank

“yes that’s true” said another Frank

“ I agree” said another Frank

“As do I” said another Frank

“Well I Don’t I love you Steve!” said Frank

The other 9 Franks gave the cheese-loving Frank a dirty look. They then wrote a letter to the cheese-loving Frank discussing the view they have now taken on Steve and the backstabbing Frank. They concluded by calling Frank the Big C word. However this didn’t really bother Frank as he didn’t find Cancer to be too offending. However while where on the subject of cancer if you ever meet it in a dark alley, do not prod it and call it Horatio Gonzalez. Just don’t…. Also, never buy a dog that meows, its most likely just a big cat.

As the 9 Franks waited around angrilly they decided that the best thing to do was to take action and seek their revenge for the horrible way Steven had spoke to them earlier. They began tap dancing and mesmerised Steven into a confused state of mind. They then stopped tap dancing because they fell off and landed in the giant sink beneath them. Eventually they clambered out and began taking advantage of the still confused Steve. They drew a comedy moustache on him so he looked like a 1930’s Italian, began cutting his hair so he looked like a modern yellow cartoon character who is well known for his laziness and works at a nuclear power plant however they finally went one step too far when they cut off Steve’s arm so he resembled Vice-Admiral Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson, 1st Duke of Bronte, K the British flag officer famous for his participation in the Napoleonic Wars. Who served in the Royal Navy for most of his life and won a number of significant victories, most notably at the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805, during which he lost his life.

By this time the other Frank had literally turned his white underpants into sticky brown pants, he then stopped painting them in brown paint put them back on and then took a big poo in them, as he was so scared of what the 9 Franks would now do to him.

The 9 Franks looked over at the other Frank and in their native language of english they collectively said

“Were dissapointed in you frank you have broken the first rule of fightclub. Do not talk about fightclub. You have also broken the sacred code of the leather mining midgets always stick by the other midgets side. For this breach of the rules we are afraid you can no longer be considered a leather mining midget but go on, live your life to the fullest and have fun with that stinking piece of 1 armed cheese you call steve. We are sympathetic towards you but you have made your decision. You will always be considered a friend and you will be in our hearts,thoughts and prayers forever. Goodbye Frank. Hopefully im sure we’ll cross paths again oneday.”

And with that heartbreaking goodbye the 9 Franks turned around and headed back to their homes.

Frank laughed at how awesomely gay the speech was by the 9 Franks.

He replied with an equally lovely goodbye to the 9 Franks

“In the nicest of possible ways I hope you all get axed to death for your spare change by a flea ridden crack head”

Unfortunately by this point the 9 other Franks were at least a mile away as it had taken at least an hour for Frank to think of that amazing comeback.

Frank dropped his head ridden with guilt and saddened to his very core. He turned around and walked towards Steve offering help and digestive biscuits.

Chapter 5 – This May be a lie

Yes, Amy Winehouse is a deformed retarded horse.

(Incase she sees this and plans on suing me the above is not true.)

Chapter 4 – Fish Fingers?

As the truck twisted and turned around corners and went straight and straighter on straights the midgets were becoming restless.

“Where are we?” asked frank

“Are we there yet?” asked frank

“What time is it?” asked frank

“Is James Brown really dead? Asked frank

Steve was becoming restless of all the questions so he decided he should do what he does best and answer questions.

“Jamiroquai are rubbish, lemon’s grow on trees, the best name for a giraffe is Horris and red wine is best served at room temperature.”

Unfortunately for the 10 franks Steve had decided to answer the wrong questions which they pointed out to steven so he decided to make ammends and answer the right ones.

“We are 10 minutes away from the coast of Malaysia in a little town ironically called reallybigmassivetown, We are not there yet, it is jeremy crickit to horticulture and James Brown is alive and kicking baby !”

This made the four Franks who had asked the questions extremely happy and the other 6 Franks were fairly happy that there friends questions had been answered.

The journey passed slowly, not because time seemed to drag but because the truck driver was a strict homophobe and refused to drive faster than 5mph incase he accidentally drove past some homosexuals he thought needed a good beating. As the truck eventually reached Jewsborough the main harbour town of Malaysia and also the most homosexually friendly town in malaysia, the midgets began dismounting the truck to carry on further with their treachorous journey to dragon island. As steve stepped off the truck with pete cradled in his arms he announced to his midget followers,

“Come on we must move forward and get to the harbour!”

“yes steven that’s a brilliant idea” shouted Frank

“put a donk on it” Pete announced through the communication skill of morsecode

and Steven, Pete and his midget army began marching forward in a casual walking fashion ignoring the screams of the truck driver who was being beaten over the head with big fluffy rainbow handcuffs by the local gay community.

As they reached the harbour steve tought there was something a bit fishy

‘There’s something a bit fishy about this’ steve said

After saying this steve carried on thinking there was something a bit fishy. Suddenly steve realised What it was !

It was… a fish, but not any old fish it was a talking fish!

“Yo Homeboy! s’appnin blud”

After this wonderful use of the english language steven realised that this talking fish was not just a talking fish he was a talking fish straight from the ghetto.

Steve replied trying his best to get on the good side of the ghetto fish

“hello my poor gang influenced fish, I am down n tingz with being all right what about ur whack self?”

This reply made the ghetto fish feel like a fish out of water which was ironic as the fish was incidently a fish out of water.

“Put me back in the sea!” the fish screamed at steven

Steve The Cheese decided to take action so he slit open the fish’s stomach and began injecting it with the highest quality heroin you can buy.

“what the friggin heaven are you doing” the ghetto fish screamed at steve

“I’m getting u mashed maaaaate” replied steven in a voice similar to the world famous chav that lives on the end of my street, who no-one know’s, as I just made him up.

“Well don’t get me mas……”

Unfortunately fish can’t handle their heroin like dolphins can so the ghetto fish’s life came to a sudden but blooody amazing end.

Silly me steve thought to himself as he began feeding the fish to a nearby tramp whilst stroking his scraggly, disgusting, unconditioned hair and punching him repeatedly in the stomach to get the evil tramp germs out of him.

As steve collected the tramp germs in a paper bag he began to wonder if what he had just done was socially acceptable. He then realised that it didn’t matter as no one was watching so he kicked an old woman in the face, poo’d in her mouth, sprinkled on some 100’s and 1000’s and laughed like a  hyena on ketamine. However this is not as mean as you first think because hyena’s actually love laughing and are well known for the religious use of ketamine, oh and that old woman well she loved eating excrement and adored the pleasurable mixture of taste and colour of hundreds and thoushands so this random act of kindness by our hero, Steve, made her day.

The 10 franks decided it was time to turn this novel into a musical novel so they burst out in song!

“Steve the cheese,
he’s just a piece of lovely cheese
ohhhh steve the cheese

how does your garden grow ?

I think its because of all the love you give it

And the fact you use a ho
by ho

We mean the gardening tool

Not a derogatory term to refer to women as

And if you thought that

You’re just a bloody fool

Or a twat

Ooooooooooooooooh

Steve the cheese

Why are your teeth so clean ?

You have super personal hygiene

Apart from your armpits

Which look like the queens tits

All droopy n wrinkly

And not at all boobtastic

Which would be fantastic

As armpit boobs

Are great if you play the pools

Because armpit boobs are lucky

Oooo so lucky

Lucky lucky lucky……”

Steve politely interupted and decided to politely tell the 10 franks to shut their stupid idiot midget mouths. Unfortunately this didn’t go down too well with the 10 franks who decided to seek revenge on steve but not straight away….

When will the midgets seek revenge ? How will the midgets seek revenge ? Is Amy Winehouse really a human or is she a deformed retarded horse ? Will steve live to tell the tale of the midgets revenge ? Who actually knows …… ?

Chapter 3 – One Way Ticket Please

After a long walk (well it wasn’t really it was about ten steps but if you were on the brink of death it would be a bloody long walk) Steven and Pete came across a turkish man selling watches.

“Hello my friend” said the turkish man “You buy nice watch, I give you good price” Steven thought this was strange as the man was turkish and he was in Malaysia. Although after a couple of minutes thinking (I think it was two to be exact) Steven realised that it wasn’t that strange considering the other things that had been going on.

After his moment of thinking (I think it was a two minute long moment to be exact) Steven said

“How much for the watch ?”

The turkish man replied “Five Tan Toks or a picture of a naked horse if you pocess one”

Steven gave the turkish man a funny look as everyone knows that most watches are normally only four Tan Toks. The turkish man then carried on with his sales patter whilst shoving freshly beheaded parrots down his trousers

“But for you my friend I sell you it for a sock” Steve decided that this was a bargain not to be missed so he bought six watches one for each arm and four for his four legged friend. Luckily steven always carries two extra pairs of socks so he was able to give the turkish man six socks. He then changed the times on the watches to six different times as he didn’t see the point in having six watches if they were all going to be the same. As with any watches bought off the dodgy dealers (lucky lucky men) The watches stopped working as soon as the man was out of sight.

Steven was very upset at this as he had to given up six perfectly good socks for the watches and now his feet were cold. After this initial setback steve pulled himself together and decided he should continue his pursuit to find the leather mining midgets.

 Our hero jumped on his pink companion and rode off towards the sea in the sunset. After a while he arrived at the sea side where the leather mining midgets were having a tea break. It was no ordinary tea break however as they werent drinking tea as it makes midgets die and eventually turn into pigeons.

Steve thought to himself “oh they must be drinking cactus juice, a fine malaysian cuisine” Steve was beginning to realise that the hours he wasted sat in front of the TV watching the discovery Channel were actually going to become useful.

Steve walked over to the midgets and asked “please sir can I have some of that cactus juice”. Half way through his drink steve realised he was allergic to cactus juice as his breasts grew to the size of melons and an oak tree began sprouting from his lower back.

As steven is one of the cleverer pieces of cheese in the world he opted to drink raw coconuts instead as not only was this a tasty treat he wasn’t allergic to but it was also an instant antidote to melon sized breasts and lower back trees.

After he finished off the coconuts he decided he wanted to eat some fungus from someones toes (this was unusual as the last time Steven did this he gave birth to an otter) after remembering this fact steven decided to chew on his fingers instead. Our main Character then decided he would go to Mcdonalds on a trike he had assembled using nothing but string but his decision soon changed as he wasn’t hungry and the nearest Mcdonalds was a huge 13 metres away!

As steve hadn’t done much but think for a while he came to a conclusion that he would do something so he punched a nearby pregnant woman in the face. He then proceeded in riding her down a steep hill like a sledge, and to finish off his little game, Steven shaved her head and glued her golden pigtails to his spindly legs. He then ran back to the sea side were the leather mining midgets were playing a game of leap frog monopoly.

As Steven studied GCSE physcology at the world famous Grammar school for cheese he knew how the midgets mind worked and his persuasive skills were very advanced. He shouted out to the midgets,

“Excuse me young gentlemen and not very gentle men I am also appealing to gentle women as well as not very gentle women.” Steve carried on with his announcement “Would any of you be kind enough to help me kill the evil green giant of Malaysia ?” The midgets looked at steven as if he had just excreted in his hands and then eaten it. This was mainly to do with the fact that he had just done that but also to do with the announcement he had just made but this was not it… Steven was cleverer than that, he continued…. ‘If you do help me I will give you all a packet of prawn cocktail chrisps…each!’ After hearing this the leather mining midgets were overjoyed and they all jumped into a nearby truck and set off to dragon island which is just off the Malaysian coast (this is an unregonised island on the official map of the world but I’m  pretty sure it exsists).

After approximately 3 minutes 43 seconds and 22 milliseconds Steven thought it would be a good and fun idea to learn the midgets names. So Steven stood up, rubbed his nipples and began shouting.

“What are your names! I repeat what are your names!”

There was silence. Steven repeated himself,

“What are your names! I repeat what are your names!”

once again there was silence. Steve who was now getting impatient with the midgets turned to what seemed like the last option he stood up and screamed

‘Just tell me your names you flipping swines!’ this seemed to work as the first midget stood up and shouted in a quiet bellowing voice,

“My name is Frank !”

Another midget stood up on his hind legs and rapped

“yo yo yo my name is Frank, you get me ?” he then shot an aadvark which was selling its body on the street corner.

A third midget then stood up, he was a funny looking fella who looked like a triad

“My name is Frank” he said in an italian voice.

A fourth midget attempted to stand up but couldn’t as he was a war veteran and had only 1 leg so he remained sat down and began screaming uncontrollably

 “My name is FRANK!”  “My name is FRANK!” “My name is FRANK!”

Steve suddenly realised There was a pattern emerging…. All the midgets were incredibly small!

Now I know what you’re thinking (and its true you do look fat in that dress) and I also know that your thinking of course they were all midgets they were leather mining midgets but you see Steven has limited common sense which is generally down to the fact he is not common and he is infact a piece of unknown cheese.

Another midget jumped to attention looked at Steve the cheese and shouted “I salute you Steven and My name is Frank”

Suddenly it hit him! (not the midget, the fact that they were all called Frank)

He decided to adress this situation

“May I ask why your all called Frank?”

“well..” said one of the midgets

“That is because Frank is the only name in the leather mining midget community”

“Isn’t that a bit silly?” exclaimed Steve

“well no not at all actually” replied Frank

“Whilst it may get confusing at times it also stops bullying and name calling and we have a lower crime rate than other midget communities”

This was a point well made by Frank which Steve also realised

“That is a point well made Frank” said Steve to Frank

“anyways lets stop talking about names and get on with killing this evil dragon because im gagging for some chrisps” Shouted Frank

Frank agreed with Frank’s statement

And Frank and Frank also thought this is what they should all be concentratiting on so Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Steve and Pete carried on there magical Journey to Dragon Island.

CHAPTER 2 – Genie Genius?

Steven began his journey back home and then he finished it. He sat down to watch Eastenders with a cup of fresh breast milk from the 96 year old asian prostitute living next door. As Steve laid back and relaxed he got a call from the president of Malaysia. Steven answered the phone.

 “Hello” he said as this is the conventional way of answering phones.

 “Ching chong” The president of Malaysia replied which is an unconventional way of replying.

After much thought and after consulting his Malaysian dictionary Steven realised that his earlier translation was wrong and the president wanted him to go kill the evil green dragon of Malaysia and not try drink a bowl of custard through a banana. This came as a relief to Steven as he had very bad allergies to both custard and banana which would lead to devestating effects. The challenge ahead however was much simpler than you may think as Steven lived next door to Malaysia and the evil green dragon was well known to steven as they once appeared in a musical version of hannibal which was a big hit at the local theatre.

Steven finished off his breast milk with one superhuman gulp, wiped his upper lip, got changed into his cashmere pin striped suit, jumped in his 1991 Ford Escort and began driving to Malaysia to defeat the evil green dragon.

As steven searched tirelessly he came across a genie in a can (as bottles are illegal in Malaysia.) The genie struggled to get out of the can due to the fact he weighed 34 stone and was a part time sumo wrestler in the international Genie Sumo Wrestling Championships. After Steven chuckled at the genies obeseness who was wearing nothing but 2 pair of socks, a pair of shoes, a man thong, a pair of trousers, a vest, a t-shirt,a tie, a jumper, a fleece and a wooly hat, steven decided he would cut the can in half and let the genie out.

The genie popped out of the can in a small cylindrial shape. He pulled a footpump out of his excrement area placed it in his mouth and began pumping himself up. Glancing down at Steven he remarked “thankyou my friend ive been trapped in their for 603 years. To repay you I would like to show you a picture of me in bed with a dead cat and I will also grant you 3 wishes.”

“hmmmmm 3 wishes…” Steven thought to himself “ I fancy one of those all in one play area’s.”

The genie questioned Steven “You mean like the one’s in Argoose”

Steven replied enthusiastically “Yes exactly like the one’s in Argoose”

The genie questioned steven further “Would you be happy with Item 334 on page 987”

Steven was amazed. This was the exact all in one playset he’d been dreaming about “Yes of course I want it!”

The genie granted his wish and the All in one Playset attached to a parachute started slowly descending from the sunset lit sky.

As the parachute got closer Steve started to make out a word on the underside of it. He was able to make out a P and an O and a G. As the parachute gradually got closer he was able to read it all “Poontang” steve muttered to himself

“What the hell is poontang?”

“I Don’t know its just a funny word” the genie sniggered to himself

The parachute then eventually reached the ground and landed in a nearby field which was populated by sheep. However after the parachute had been there a bit longer the population of the sheep had dramatically dropped as it had managed to suffocate at least 3 struggling lambs in a humorous fashion.

As Steven the cheese is a cunning fellow he decided to be clever with the genie and beat him at his own game. Steven said in a gay voice (as he decided it would be fun)

“For my second wish I want an extra wish” he then randomly screamed “turtle soup!”.

Fair wish the genie said. What steven didn’t realise was that he had just used one wish asking for another wish so he hadnt really got another wish, however he had not used a wish either. It turns out Steven wasn’t as cunning as I first thought.

 Steven decided it was time to say his second wish so Steven said “his second wish” he then decided he should tell the genie his second wish. “My second wish” bellowed steven in a quiet voice “I wish I had a field of potato trees”

“Okay your wish is granted” replied the genie and suddenly a field of potato tree’s appeared.

At the sight of this truly amazing miracle Steven lost all control of his body. He began drooling, he layed a little brown fish in his panties and he also did a wee wee. When he came around he remembered about his mother telling him about how midgets mined leather from under the sea. Unfortunately Steven also rememebered the dream he has had since he was a little cheese so he decided now was the time for it to come to true so that’s what happened Steven wished for a talking pink sheep!

The sheep fell from the sky in an indestructable glass box and landed in a big heap of elephant excrement which is amazing as elephants have been extinct in Malaysia for the past 300 hours.

Steven said thanks to the genie and began bonding with his newly aquired friend.

Steven looked at his Sheep and glanced up into the heavens when suddenly a voice called out from behind a cloud

“You shall call him Pete and he will be king of the Jews!”

Steve looked up at the cloud, turned round and revealed his lovely bottom to who or what was behind the cloud. Steve hates all religion in every way except christmas he likes christmas.

Steve jumped on his pink sheep and set off up the potato tree field.

It was then that he would embark on a truly amazing journey to try and find the leather mining midgets.