Chapter 4 – Fish Fingers?

As the truck twisted and turned around corners and went straight and straighter on straights the midgets were becoming restless.

“Where are we?” asked frank

“Are we there yet?” asked frank

“What time is it?” asked frank

“Is James Brown really dead? Asked frank

Steve was becoming restless of all the questions so he decided he should do what he does best and answer questions.

“Jamiroquai are rubbish, lemon’s grow on trees, the best name for a giraffe is Horris and red wine is best served at room temperature.”

Unfortunately for the 10 franks Steve had decided to answer the wrong questions which they pointed out to steven so he decided to make ammends and answer the right ones.

“We are 10 minutes away from the coast of Malaysia in a little town ironically called reallybigmassivetown, We are not there yet, it is jeremy crickit to horticulture and James Brown is alive and kicking baby !”

This made the four Franks who had asked the questions extremely happy and the other 6 Franks were fairly happy that there friends questions had been answered.

The journey passed slowly, not because time seemed to drag but because the truck driver was a strict homophobe and refused to drive faster than 5mph incase he accidentally drove past some homosexuals he thought needed a good beating. As the truck eventually reached Jewsborough the main harbour town of Malaysia and also the most homosexually friendly town in malaysia, the midgets began dismounting the truck to carry on further with their treachorous journey to dragon island. As steve stepped off the truck with pete cradled in his arms he announced to his midget followers,

“Come on we must move forward and get to the harbour!”

“yes steven that’s a brilliant idea” shouted Frank

“put a donk on it” Pete announced through the communication skill of morsecode

and Steven, Pete and his midget army began marching forward in a casual walking fashion ignoring the screams of the truck driver who was being beaten over the head with big fluffy rainbow handcuffs by the local gay community.

As they reached the harbour steve tought there was something a bit fishy

‘There’s something a bit fishy about this’ steve said

After saying this steve carried on thinking there was something a bit fishy. Suddenly steve realised What it was !

It was… a fish, but not any old fish it was a talking fish!

“Yo Homeboy! s’appnin blud”

After this wonderful use of the english language steven realised that this talking fish was not just a talking fish he was a talking fish straight from the ghetto.

Steve replied trying his best to get on the good side of the ghetto fish

“hello my poor gang influenced fish, I am down n tingz with being all right what about ur whack self?”

This reply made the ghetto fish feel like a fish out of water which was ironic as the fish was incidently a fish out of water.

“Put me back in the sea!” the fish screamed at steven

Steve The Cheese decided to take action so he slit open the fish’s stomach and began injecting it with the highest quality heroin you can buy.

“what the friggin heaven are you doing” the ghetto fish screamed at steve

“I’m getting u mashed maaaaate” replied steven in a voice similar to the world famous chav that lives on the end of my street, who no-one know’s, as I just made him up.

“Well don’t get me mas……”

Unfortunately fish can’t handle their heroin like dolphins can so the ghetto fish’s life came to a sudden but blooody amazing end.

Silly me steve thought to himself as he began feeding the fish to a nearby tramp whilst stroking his scraggly, disgusting, unconditioned hair and punching him repeatedly in the stomach to get the evil tramp germs out of him.

As steve collected the tramp germs in a paper bag he began to wonder if what he had just done was socially acceptable. He then realised that it didn’t matter as no one was watching so he kicked an old woman in the face, poo’d in her mouth, sprinkled on some 100’s and 1000’s and laughed like a  hyena on ketamine. However this is not as mean as you first think because hyena’s actually love laughing and are well known for the religious use of ketamine, oh and that old woman well she loved eating excrement and adored the pleasurable mixture of taste and colour of hundreds and thoushands so this random act of kindness by our hero, Steve, made her day.

The 10 franks decided it was time to turn this novel into a musical novel so they burst out in song!

“Steve the cheese,
he’s just a piece of lovely cheese
ohhhh steve the cheese

how does your garden grow ?

I think its because of all the love you give it

And the fact you use a ho
by ho

We mean the gardening tool

Not a derogatory term to refer to women as

And if you thought that

You’re just a bloody fool

Or a twat

Ooooooooooooooooh

Steve the cheese

Why are your teeth so clean ?

You have super personal hygiene

Apart from your armpits

Which look like the queens tits

All droopy n wrinkly

And not at all boobtastic

Which would be fantastic

As armpit boobs

Are great if you play the pools

Because armpit boobs are lucky

Oooo so lucky

Lucky lucky lucky……”

Steve politely interupted and decided to politely tell the 10 franks to shut their stupid idiot midget mouths. Unfortunately this didn’t go down too well with the 10 franks who decided to seek revenge on steve but not straight away….

When will the midgets seek revenge ? How will the midgets seek revenge ? Is Amy Winehouse really a human or is she a deformed retarded horse ? Will steve live to tell the tale of the midgets revenge ? Who actually knows …… ?