CHAPTER 2 – Genie Genius?

Steven began his journey back home and then he finished it. He sat down to watch Eastenders with a cup of fresh breast milk from the 96 year old asian prostitute living next door. As Steve laid back and relaxed he got a call from the president of Malaysia. Steven answered the phone.

 “Hello” he said as this is the conventional way of answering phones.

 “Ching chong” The president of Malaysia replied which is an unconventional way of replying.

After much thought and after consulting his Malaysian dictionary Steven realised that his earlier translation was wrong and the president wanted him to go kill the evil green dragon of Malaysia and not try drink a bowl of custard through a banana. This came as a relief to Steven as he had very bad allergies to both custard and banana which would lead to devestating effects. The challenge ahead however was much simpler than you may think as Steven lived next door to Malaysia and the evil green dragon was well known to steven as they once appeared in a musical version of hannibal which was a big hit at the local theatre.

Steven finished off his breast milk with one superhuman gulp, wiped his upper lip, got changed into his cashmere pin striped suit, jumped in his 1991 Ford Escort and began driving to Malaysia to defeat the evil green dragon.

As steven searched tirelessly he came across a genie in a can (as bottles are illegal in Malaysia.) The genie struggled to get out of the can due to the fact he weighed 34 stone and was a part time sumo wrestler in the international Genie Sumo Wrestling Championships. After Steven chuckled at the genies obeseness who was wearing nothing but 2 pair of socks, a pair of shoes, a man thong, a pair of trousers, a vest, a t-shirt,a tie, a jumper, a fleece and a wooly hat, steven decided he would cut the can in half and let the genie out.

The genie popped out of the can in a small cylindrial shape. He pulled a footpump out of his excrement area placed it in his mouth and began pumping himself up. Glancing down at Steven he remarked “thankyou my friend ive been trapped in their for 603 years. To repay you I would like to show you a picture of me in bed with a dead cat and I will also grant you 3 wishes.”

“hmmmmm 3 wishes…” Steven thought to himself “ I fancy one of those all in one play area’s.”

The genie questioned Steven “You mean like the one’s in Argoose”

Steven replied enthusiastically “Yes exactly like the one’s in Argoose”

The genie questioned steven further “Would you be happy with Item 334 on page 987”

Steven was amazed. This was the exact all in one playset he’d been dreaming about “Yes of course I want it!”

The genie granted his wish and the All in one Playset attached to a parachute started slowly descending from the sunset lit sky.

As the parachute got closer Steve started to make out a word on the underside of it. He was able to make out a P and an O and a G. As the parachute gradually got closer he was able to read it all “Poontang” steve muttered to himself

“What the hell is poontang?”

“I Don’t know its just a funny word” the genie sniggered to himself

The parachute then eventually reached the ground and landed in a nearby field which was populated by sheep. However after the parachute had been there a bit longer the population of the sheep had dramatically dropped as it had managed to suffocate at least 3 struggling lambs in a humorous fashion.

As Steven the cheese is a cunning fellow he decided to be clever with the genie and beat him at his own game. Steven said in a gay voice (as he decided it would be fun)

“For my second wish I want an extra wish” he then randomly screamed “turtle soup!”.

Fair wish the genie said. What steven didn’t realise was that he had just used one wish asking for another wish so he hadnt really got another wish, however he had not used a wish either. It turns out Steven wasn’t as cunning as I first thought.

 Steven decided it was time to say his second wish so Steven said “his second wish” he then decided he should tell the genie his second wish. “My second wish” bellowed steven in a quiet voice “I wish I had a field of potato trees”

“Okay your wish is granted” replied the genie and suddenly a field of potato tree’s appeared.

At the sight of this truly amazing miracle Steven lost all control of his body. He began drooling, he layed a little brown fish in his panties and he also did a wee wee. When he came around he remembered about his mother telling him about how midgets mined leather from under the sea. Unfortunately Steven also rememebered the dream he has had since he was a little cheese so he decided now was the time for it to come to true so that’s what happened Steven wished for a talking pink sheep!

The sheep fell from the sky in an indestructable glass box and landed in a big heap of elephant excrement which is amazing as elephants have been extinct in Malaysia for the past 300 hours.

Steven said thanks to the genie and began bonding with his newly aquired friend.

Steven looked at his Sheep and glanced up into the heavens when suddenly a voice called out from behind a cloud

“You shall call him Pete and he will be king of the Jews!”

Steve looked up at the cloud, turned round and revealed his lovely bottom to who or what was behind the cloud. Steve hates all religion in every way except christmas he likes christmas.

Steve jumped on his pink sheep and set off up the potato tree field.

It was then that he would embark on a truly amazing journey to try and find the leather mining midgets.