Chapter 12 – Pic Nic Tilly wic give a wolf a ball

It was a crisp morning and the sun was once again shining brightly out of Bob Geldof’s arse as Steve, Pete and Frank met up in town to decide where they were going to have their picnic (a meal outside not the chocolate bar).

After a short conversation between Pete and Frank they decided they would go to the cemetary for a lovely friendly al fresco dinner together. Steve had not said anything all morning and Pete and Frank were becoming worried about their friend especially as he was now slitting his wrists with a sharp butchers knife. However after looking into this act of apparent self harm, Frank realised Steve was just getting into the swing of the picnic and was making some cheese strings for everybody to share.

Pete unpacked the picnic basket and wondered why he had bothered joining this picnic as he would just be as happy grazing in a field and eating grass.

As Steve broke down in floods of tears, Frank began to realise there was something wrong.

“Whats the matter Steve?’ Frank asked sensitively

“Matter is anything that has both mass and volume. A more rigorous definition is matter is what atoms and molecules are made of. Matter is commonly said to exist in four states, solid, liquid, gas and plasma.. In everyday human environments, matter is closely related to, and in many contexts equivalent to, mass.

In the realm of relativity, matter can be equated to energy via the equation E = mc². In the realm of cosmology other forms of matter and energy, such as dark matter and dark energy are invoked to explain the behaviour of the observable universe but can you not see that I’m not in the mood to explain such things.”

“I’m sorry but I didn’t mean that I meant whats up?”

Steve looked up “The sun, the sky, the clouds, the moon, a bird, a plane, superman, Jupiter, Pluto, Mercury, Russell Brands penis, Venus, Japan, Mars, Uranus….

“Sorry to interupt but I didn’t mean that either and my anus is definitely still here and not up there but yer I’ll rephrase myself again, How are you?”

“How am I what? How am I breathing? How am I talking? How am I Masterbating? How am I juggling crabsticks? How am I stroking mushrooms with my toes? How am I looking so wonderfully attractive? How do I keep in shape? How am I what? I’m really not in the mood for non specific questions!”

“Okay then. Why are you crying you cheesy shit?”

“I boffed a tranny”

“I’m sorry you did what now?”

“Well, you know Jim?”

“Yer that fit black naked girl”

“I’ll stop you there. It turns out she hasn’t always been a girl”

“You mean she’s a….

“Yep”

“You mean she isnt really a …”

“Yep”

“Ohhhh Well give me two minutes of thinking time”

“Why?” Steve asked worringly

“I’m going to cheer you up. Its no that bad Steve don’t worry. It could happen to anyone.”

“Well I’m glad you’re such a good friend Frank I know I could trust you.”

“Its all right that’s what I’m here for but can I just have some thinking time so I can cheer my best friend up” Frank said with a smile that had a hint of frustration

“Ok then, no worries Frank.” Steve replied starting to smile a bit.

A few minutes of silence past. Frank was looking into the sky for inspiration, Steves Wailing and loud sobbing became muffled sniffs whilst Pete ran around the cemetary with a pack of wolves in pursuit which Steve and Frank failed to notice.

“Right You ready to be happy again Steve?” Frank asked

“I sure am!” Steve replied enthusiastically

“Right then. Here Goes….

Steve fucked a tranny

Steve fucked a tranny

She used to have a dick

But now she has a fanny

Ooooooooh

Steve you just fucked an ex man

But you’d of been better off with my dead nan

Because at least her minge is real

Which is kind of a big a deal

If you want to please someone when you have a feel

Ooooooooh

Steve I’m sure you were pleased

When you were touched and teased

But the Black girl called Jemima

Turned out to be a black man with a fake vagina

And it deserves a song and dance rather than a one liner

Oooooooooh

You should of realised that with a name like Jim

She really shouldn’t of had a quim

But to be honest I thought ‘she’ was quite fit

Even with a little rubber clit

And a plastic right and left tit

Ooooooooh

Steve We still love you

And it will always be true

Because since we met

You’ve been a safe bet

Apart from the time you took that ket

But that’s in the past

And the future is coming fast

Much like you last night

Before you were given that awful fright

Oooooooooh

Steve I’ll find you a proper girl don’t worry

And I’ll make sure her old cock didn’t end up in a curry

But I don’t think you’ll be in much of a hurry

Because you need to concentrate on finding the dragon

So you can’t jump on the bandwagon”

   Steve sat silently for a while before bursting out in laughter.

“Well if you can’t laugh at yourself you can’t laugh at anything” Steve said

It looked like Franks amazing song had done the trick. Steve was back to his usual self again and they sat down to get on with their picnic whilst watching Pete play with his friends in the distance.

 After some tasty potato based products and other confectionary items Steve couldn’t help but notice a man walking through the entrance to the cemetary before going behind a gravestone and squatting down.

Steve thought that it was at times like this that the kindness of strangers helped people get through their bad times. Steve began to approach the man who seemed to have tears rolling down his eyes. Steve got closer before deciding to give him a friendly hello.

“Morning”

“No. Just having a shit.” The man replied.

At that very moment Pete ran up to Steve looking distressed which was a great reason for Steve to leave the man alone and leave that awkward moment behind without having to say anything. It was also a great reason for me to move on from that joke because I don’t know where the fuck I was going to go from there.

“Steve mi je potrebno da biste dobili vanjska strana od ovdje!” Screamed Pete

“Pete you know I don’t speak croation” Steve replied slightly annoyed and confused.

“I do apologise Steve but as I was saying in croation, We need to get out of here!”

“But why?”

“I’m being chased by wolves and they’ve just bitten my right testicle off!”

Steve laughed and then laughed again before laughing once more it was at this point the realisation of what was going on dawned on him and with that realisation realised Steve realised he should shout over to Frank about the realisation he had just realised and then inform him to run like he and Steve were about to do.

“Run” Shouted Steve

So that’s what they all did, heading out of the cemetary and back into town.

Chapter 11 –‘ Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes’

As Steve, Pete and Frank walked down the local high street they couldn’t help but notice the woman across the road rummaging through a bag of clothes that had been left outside a charity shop. They were thinking about doing something but after weighing out their possibilites they decided to applaud this womans initiative as what this woman was doing was genius. The woman was simply cutting out the middle man and saving everybody time and energy.

As they carried on down the road they decided to have a bit of a look round the shops. They entered Shine On, the local shoe shop and began to browse through the wide variety of cheap and pathetic footwear. It was fairly busy and Steve couldn’t help listening into the conversations happening around him.

“Whats the difference between a bag of rabbits and your mum?” asked one boy to his friend.

“I Don’t know” his friend shrugged.

“Your mums a slag.” replied the other.

“Well I’m not even bothered if my mum’s a slag because my cock’s so big that when I want to have a wank I have to employ at least five tramps to put in on their shoulders and run back and forth for a few hours”

Steve decided that was the most exciting that conversation was going to get so carried on nosying around and decided he was going to earwig on the couple stood beside him.

“Ever since I’ve been pregnant I’ve just been through a rollercoaster of emotion.” Said the female part of the couple who Steve had now realised was pregnant due to his sherlock holmes like skills.

“One minute I want the baby and one minute I don’t. Sometimes I think it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us and then the next second I think it could be the worst thing. I keep getting fatter by the day and I just think at some point your going to turn around and decide that you don’t fancy me anymore and that I repel you. I can’t help thinking that you’ll just end up leaving me for someone slimmer and younger. Its my biggest fear and I’m so scared of something bad happening.”

The man took a moment to take this all in before sincerely replying

“Shut up you fat bitch!”

The woman’s face dropped and tears began to rush to her eyes

“awww darling, I’m sorry. I’m only joking you know what I’m like.” Said the man regretting using sarcasm at such a delicate time

“I’ll stand by you no matter what, and what ever happens I’m always going to be by your side because regardless of how old, fat and bad you look I love you and always will.”

With the tears in the womans eyes now becoming tears of happiness everything seemed like it was going to be all right.

“So whats your biggest fear?” asked the woman

“Bears” replied the man. And on that note the woman stormed out of the shop.

There was only one other man left in the shop so Steve decided he’d wander over near this man and investigate what was going on this guys life.

“I stand corrected” the man said as he put on some orthopaedic shoes.

Steve met back up with Frank and Pete and decided they should leave the shop of comedy genius and irony. As their drinking session in the horizon had been cut short they decided to visit the nearest bar which was just across the road from the shoe shop. Pete, Frank and Steve crossed the road in unision before walking into the bar together.

“Ouch”

“Ouch”

“Ouch”

They walked into an Iron bar.

After this act of stupidity the three guys decided they should visit a bar that serves light snacks and beverages so they headed in a north easterly direction to The Black Horse. They jumped on the black horse and rode it 15 metres down the road to the local pub The Hairy Beaver. As they set foot inside The Hairy Beaver they couldn’t help noticing the distinct aroma of fish circulating the inside. This did not put them off however as they had a long stressful day and were looking forward to a nice cold refreshing drink. Steve went to the bar and ordered three pints of lager, three pints of Cider, Three Alcopops and nine shots of vodka. As Steve single handedly carried the drinks over to the table where Pete and Frank were seated he wondered why they hadnt bought any drinks yet. There was an excuse to why they hadnt bought any drinks though and it was down to the fact they had no money because of the fact that Frank was a former mining midget and Pete was very much a sheep.

Steve handed out money and within minutes the three of them were sat round with an identical set of drinks. Before they started drinking they needed some music to get them in the mood for a long relaxing session so as a group they walked over to the jukebox.

As they stood around deciding whether to play the Jazz Funk Compilation or the Rock God Idol’s album from medievel England a bouncer approached Steve.

“Excuse me sir but I’m afraid you’ll have to move, Your blocking the fire exit”

Steve willingly obliged but couldn’t help thinking that if there was a fire he would probably be running away and probably wouldn’t carry on standing by the fire exit.

With the agreed choice of music playing and Steve now saving the entire pub from certain death in the event of a fire they decided to get down to business and start drinking.

The drinks seem to be going down a treat and after a few hours of drinking the ‘I love you’ conversations are beginning to happen when suddenly Frank caught sight of a sign above the bar.

Cheese Sandwich: £1.50
Chicken Sandwich:  £2.50
Hand Job: £10.00

Frank, Steve and Pete went deep into discussion and eventually Steve searched his wallet and gave Frank the neccesary payment. Frank walked to the bar and beckoned one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks, as Pete and Steve looked on excited.

“Yes can I help you?” she inquired with a knowing smile

“I was wondering…” whispered Frank

“Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

“Yes, indeed I am” she purred

“Well go wash your hands you little hussy, I want three cheese sandwiches”

As Steve, Frank and Pete sat down eating there cheese sandwiches, Frank still hadn’t come to terms with why the barmaid had given him such a look of disgust as he collected the sandwiches but this was not a time for regrets and remorse so with the shouts of ‘Shots!’ by Steve up went the glasses, down went the alcohol and up went the cheers and smiles.

The glasses on the table were now nearly all empty and the chairs were looking to be heading the same way as Steve, Frank and Pete struggled to sit in the same position for over three seconds. As they sat around talking about whom they would rather sleep with if they had a choice between Margaret Thatcher and their own mothers, a suspicious looking man approached them.

 “You look suspicious” Frank told the suspicious looking man

“That’s because I’m going to attempt to sell you some drugs” he replied

“Oh well that’s fair enough”

After a little more conversation Frank acquired some suspicious looking drugs from the suspicious looking man and whilst not at all looking suspicious Frank, Steve and Pete hid under the table and popped the seemingly harmless pills they had just bought for a small price of a random man.

The minutes past without incident until Frank piped up,

“Frigging Hell I can see a bloody pink sheep”

“That’s Pete,” said Pete referring to himself in the third person for no apparent reason.

A few more minutes passed when Steve’s eyes started to follow something around the room. They stopped moving before wildly moving around again.

“Why have I never seen that flying courtroom before?” Asked Steve.

Pete and Frank were too busy fondling each other so they pretended that they thought Steve’s question was rhetorical.

“I bet there’s a throne made of porridge inside” Steve continued

“And I bet there’s a fat judge waving a sausage!”

“With a ginger beard!” Frank chipped in

“And he’s molesting a unicorn”

“With a hat made of badger”

“And a pet dog called tiddles”

“Whilst eating fondant fancies and celebrating Ramadam”

“Yeah I bet he’s got a penis made of cranberries and nipples that are shaped like Europe” Pete said joining in

“I know and he’s probably married to Aretha Franklin’s daughter”

“Ha. I bet her daughter is called Urethra because Aretha likes sexual organs a lot”

“No I reckon she’ll be called Franklin Franklin Franklin because that would well mess with peoples minds”

“Like these drugs then?”

“Yer you could say that you little pink fluffy sheep”

“It wasn’t even me who said that” Pete piped up

“Hold on… Everyone looks like a pink fluffy sheep”

“Racist!”

“I’m not racist I voted for Barack Obama”

“And he his?”

“He won American Idol”

“Oh well that’s cool…”

As the conversation drifted off into more drug fuelled nonsense, Frank decided to go outside and try enter back into reality. Minutes passed and the conversation between Steve and Pete had died down a bit and they were now slowly discussing the probability of living on mars in the afterlife when Frank re-entered the pub.

“Would you think I was mental if I told you I’d just drawn a really awesome swan on the wall using poo?” Frank asked confidentely

Pete and Steve didn’t know what to say and that wasn’t just because of the drugs.

“Erm… It depends what type of swan really?” Steve said finally

“Right come look then!”

Frank led the way outside with Steve and Pete in tow, Frank led them around the corner to where he had created his masterpiece. Steve and Pete stood there in silence admiring his work.

“To be honest Frank, I think you may have gone slightly mental but from the bottom of my heart I believe that is the best swan drawn from shit that I’ve ever seen. It's really hard to capture the elegance of the neck and beak of a Mute Swan but you’ve done it brilliantly.”

“Thank you so much” Frank said beginning to blush

“Anyways I think we should go back inside for some more drinks, that yodelling bear is beginning to scare me” Steve said pointing to a set of traffic lights

“Yeah and that bright green glowing paedophile is beginning to scare me” Pete said sheepishly pointing to the bright green glowing paedophile.

(Note to Paedophiles: Confuse the police during questioning by making suggestive remarks about old women.)

 Steve, Pete and Frank sat around their table once again as the drugs began to wear off when someone very familiar walked through the door.

“Its Jimima!” Steve shouted excitedly, a little too excitedly though as Jimima seemed to hear.

Steve jumped out of his seat and walked directly over to Jimima. They clicked instantly and they were soon involved in a loving clench. They continued talking and drinking before Steve walked over to his friends and told them he’d see them tomorrow as he was going back to Jimima’s place.

Steve and Jimima ran outside hand in hand and jump into a taxi. On the short journey to Jimima’s flat they couldn’t keep their hands off each other and they both felt like they had electricity running through their throbbing veins.

As soon as they got back to her flat Jimima stripped Steve off in the hallway unable to wait a single second longer. They ran upstairs, dived onto the bed and were soon hard at it bumping and grinding the night away. The walls struggled to stay up as the screams of delight nearly destroyed the building whilst the bed was only still standing thanks to the reinforced metal frame.

Suddenly Steve screamed

“STOP!”

“What?” Jimima replied concerned

“HAMMER TIME!”

She was less than impressed.

They spent the night hard at it, both suffering from exhaustion as it came to an end. Steve, struggling to breathe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks Jimima if she has one.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Steve begins to worry. What has he got himself into?

“Is this your husband?” he inquires nervously.

“No, silly,” Jimima replies, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?”

“No, don’t be daft,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” Steve demands

Calmly, Jimima takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies,

“That’s me before the operation.”

Chapter 10 The Horizon

As Steve set foot in The Horizon he came to the conclusion that ‘The Horizon’ was a great name for a pub and wondered why it had taken him a trip to Dragon Island to find a pub with that very name. As Steve, Frank And Pete looked around the pub they noticed many mysterious and interesting characters. They began to wonder if they had made a good decision when choosing which pub they were going to go to. Frank decided he needed a breath of fresh hair so he rolled outside. As he daudeled around the street smelling babies heads looking for the freshest of hair, a woman who had no distinguishing features came into sight. The woman got closer and closer untill Frank realised who it was. It was only bloody Davina Mccall!

“Davina, Davina! I’m your biggest fan” called out her biggest fan

“I know you’re my biggest fan you fat bitch!” Davina replied delightfully

“Well I’m the only person who likes you who is 50stone or over so its either me or someone thinner!”

However this shouting had distracted a hunter who turned round to find a Hippo in his way. The hunter also well known in New Zealand as the Alligator Hunter decided he had one choice and one choice only. Blow its fucking head off! 320 AK-47 rounds later and with a hippo corpse draped in claret, the alligator hunters job was complete. The hunter took a step forward with his left foot and then a step forward with his right foot and then a step forward with his left foot and then another with his right. The closer he got, the more of a mistake the hunter realised he had made. He’d only gone and shot Davina’s Mccall’s biggest fan. Haha how they all laughed at this humorous mistake.

“As if I shot her! What a mistake.” Shouted the hunter

“I know, the humane way of doing it would have been to hang her” Davina said with a sparkling smile

“From a crane?” questioned the hunter

“The large, long-legged and long-necked birds or the lifting machine equipped with a winder, wire ropes or chains and sheaves that can be used both to lift and lower materials and to move them?” Davina questioned in return

“The machine obviously” replied the hunter.

With that now settled Frank was able to talk to Davina.

“Hi Davina what are you doing here” asked Frank

“Going to the pub. See ya” replied Davina.

And with that now settled Frank realised Davina was a bitch.

Frank walked into the bar.

“Ouch”

It was an iron bar.

Frank walked into the pub

“Ouch”

He’d forgotten to open the door.

Frank opened the door and walked inside the pub where he was confronted by a koala wearing a pair of black cowboy boots.

“You got some eucalyptus mate? I’m blooding starving my Australian nay nays off,” enquired the koala

“Nah I’ve got a ukulele though” replied Frank helpfully

“Can I have that then?”

“Sure I don’t see why not, I’m sure I won’t need it” Frank ironically stated. However it may turn out later on that Frank is wrong and being in possession of a ukulele may save his life.

Frank walked over to join Steve and Pete who were now in deep conversation with the barman.

“So your name is John but everyone calls you Bob?” asked Steve to the barman

“Yer that’s right lad” Replied Bob

“So how does that work then?” asked Steve

“Well… it started when I was a lad. Everyone used to call me Long John Silver because I looked like a pirate due to the eye patch I wore for fashion purposes. The fashion purposes being the fact that I hated fashion. As I grew up I realised the eye patch wasn’t for me so I decided to start a trend wearing silver sparkling sequinned tops, like the one’s Graham Norton wears. This soon prompted the nickname John Silver Top. This wasn’t the only nickname I was given though as I was given many other more abusive names mainly orientated around homosexuality, so I decided I was going to do something about this. So I gelled my long black hair up into large devil like spikes so I resembled Dennis The Menace the toughest guy around back in the day. This new fashion statement prompted the name Silver Top Dennis, which was later, shortened to STD. As I’m sure you’ve realised having an acronym that stands for sexual transmitted disease isn’t the best nickname to have so I tried staying away from school and the people that knew me. I started to spend my days down at the swimming baths perfecting my swimming techniques. The Swimming gave me a new lease of life and I was soon moving up the ranks in the swimming world. I was appearing in the local newspapers and even made it onto the local radio station. I was soon crowned number one in England for the breaststroke in the under 15’s category.  This short-lived fame soon enabled me to appear in public once again and enjoy time with my friends as well as perfecting my ‘breaststroke’ with the ladies. STD soon changed slightly to STUD because that’s what I was guys, a big bad swimming stud!”

As Steve Frank and Pete nervously looked round trying to work out if it was possible to get more excited than Bob was whilst telling this story, they began to wonder whether the story would ever come to an end.

Bob continued…

“I stopped swimming shortly afterwards after being involved in a horrible beef casserole incident and the lack of exercise soon took its toll. Stud soon became Pud. My friends hadn’t decided which pudding to be exact but my sudden growth of a third knee soon gave them an idea.”

“I’m sorry you grew a third knee?” Steve interrupted

“Yer I had a right knee and a left knee and now I had acne. I was crowned Spotted Dick. This name was not suitable to be said aloud around school and at home so my ‘friends’ suggested Spotted Richard, unfortunately my pet otter that I had lost recently was called Richard so the name Spotted Richard was too upsetting. Richard was then changed to Robert, as it is obviously the most similar name to Richard. As Clearasil became available the Acne soon cleared up and eventually Robert was shortened and I finally became known as Bob.”

“Well that was a lovely story.” Steve said with a sigh of relief

“Its not true is it? Come on, why are you really called Bob? ” Asked Frank

“Yer you’re right that was a lie. But if I told you why I was really called Bob, I’m afraid I’d have to kill you…” Bob said with the most serious look possible on his face.

It was at this point Steve Frank and Pete decided they should take their drinks and go sit down.

As Steve was walking to a table he realised something hanging on the wall. He walked towards the frame in front of him it was a mirror. Steve looked in the mirror. What looked back at him was not what he expected.

“Frank look at this!” screamed Steve

Frank rushed over to Steve, to see what all the fuss was about.

“Look at my reflection! How long have I looked like the Eiffel tower?” Steve asked in a state of shock

Frank looked at Steve like you would look at someone who had just rolled in a pile of nuclear waste to see if it would give them superpowers.

“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice” Steve said

“It’s a painting you fucking prick” Frank pointed out

“Oh yeah…. So it is, but I suppose it’s an easy mistake to make isn’t it haha” Steve laughed to himself

“I hope you know the more you talk the more I think you have learning difficulties.” Frank announced which abruptly ended the conversation.

Steve and Frank walked over to the table where Pete was seated.

Pete was sat down facing the wall and seemed to be having a conversation

“Hello Mr Wall, how are you today?” asked Pete politely

The wall said nothing.

“I’m sorry maybe you didn’t hear me the first time are you ok Mr Wall? Pete asked louder

The wall said nothing.

“God! I may as well talk to myself, its like talking to a bloody brick wall!” Pete exlaimed before turning round to take a sip off his drink.

As Frank Pete and Steve looked around the pub they couldn’t help notice a young attractive afro-carribean girl sat in the corner. They were drawn to her mainly because she was attractive but also because she was naked. The naked girl stood up walked over to Frank, Pete and Steve and took a seat beside them. The three guys were speechless as was the mute who was sat on the table next to them. The black girl leant over the table untill her face was an inch away from Steve’s. She kissed him on the cheek before whispering in his ear.

“My name’s Jimima but you can call me Jim, I’ll be seeing you around. I’m sure.”

With that said she stood up and walked out of the pub like nothing had happened.

Steve however was still coming to terms with what he was going to do with his recently sticky pants.

Pete, Frank, Steve and Gareth Gates sat around still struggling to say something.

“Bloody hell she was amazing!” Frank finally pointed out.

“You’ve never said anything more true.” Steve said agreeing with Frank

As they sat around discussing what they would like to do to Jim, they noticed Davina Mccall behind the bar. They then noticed Davina kissing Bob. They then notice the sign above the bar. Landlords Davina Mccall + Bob Fratterston. Was Bob really in a relationship with Davina Mccall? Or were they just business partners? These questions needed to be answered so I decided after this line Steve would ask Bob these questions and then Bob would answer them.

“Bob are you in a relationship with Davina Mccall or is just a business partnership?”

“I’m afraid if I told you that I’d have to kill you” replied Bob

Steve was now wondering if Bob had a love of killing people after answering questions or if he just liked to be mysterious and annoying.

Suddenly an angry but lovely woman walked through the door. Steve noticed her from somewhere but he couldn’t think where. As the woman began storming round the pub screaming Steve realised who it was. It was Andrea the taxi woman! Steve couldn’t come to terms with her new looks. The last time he saw her she looked liked an uglier more burnt version of Jade Goody but now she had the angelic looks of a 60 year old oil tycoon’s 20 year old wife. It turns out the magical advances in plastic surgery, in the year that this novel is set in, enabled Andrea’s badly disfigured face to be repaired to its former glory in a matter of hours.

Steve quickly ran over to Pete and Frank and hurried them into the toilets. Andrea carried on walking round the pub and had now started screaming ‘Fucking Folk!’ at the top of her voice. Bob couldn’t help but notice this beautiful creature who was gradually destroying his business and scaring off the customers. Andrea carrying on with her rampage suddenly noticed Bob stood behind the bar which soon calmed her down. Andrea was becoming less and less bothered about finding Steve, Pete and Frank and was now easing her way over to Bob who’s eyes sparkled like the sun, unfortunately British Newspapers don’t sparkle that well but I’m sure Andrea thought Bob’s eyes were lovely.

“Gosh your eyes are lovely” Andrea remarked

“And your boobs are great” Bob romantically pointed out

“thanks darling” Andrea replied blushing

“Fancy getting together, moving to Batley and having a really tall child called Jake and a child of average height called Sam?” Bob asked with a glint in his eye.

“That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard” Andrea said with a smile as big as Cherie Blairs”.

“Right then I just need to do something” Bob said

“Davina ya can shove your pub up your arse!”

And with that done and dusted and polished and ironed Bob and Andrea ran off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

The same could not be said for Frank, Pete and Steve however who were struggling to exit the pub via the toilet window. Steve began to wonder how the hell they was going to get through the window which seemed to be impossible to get out of. Pete tried climbing through the window but he miserably failed as he fell into a urinal and managed to get two toilet cubes lodged directly into his eye sockets so he looked like a budget pokemon.

Frank decided he would have a go. Frank Failed. Miserably. As he dropped from the window ledge, his legs buckled beneath him and he managed to get his face lodged in the sanitary bin. You may be thinking why there was a sanitary bin in the mens toilets and you’ll be thinking this, because you sir, are an idiot.

Steve decided he was going to take a more intelligent approach and began to assess the situation. Suddenly Steve’s cunning prevailed and he realised what they’d being doing wrong. They’d only forgotton to open the bloody window. Steve reached up and undid the latches on the windows, then one by one Steve Frank and Pete exited the pub in a classy fashion, climbing out of the toilet window.

As they gathered in the carpark they couldn’t help noticing that their car was missing. It was another victory for Karma though as Andrea had stolen her car back off Steve to drive to pleasureland with Bob.

“Well looks like we’re back to square one” Frank remarked

“Were back to one?” Steve asked

“Square one I said” Frank said once again

“Yer square one you get one”

“What you on about now?”

“I don’t know. It was a maths joke, it wasn’t great was it?”

“No it was pretty shit actually” Pete honestly told Steve

“Ah well lets go”

With the conclusion reached on what to do Steve Pete And Frank trudged on, continuing there journey to find the Evil Green Dragon.

CHAPTER 8 – The High Sea’s

 After four minutes a man arrived carrying a large package.

“Are you Frank Steve and Peter?” questioned the man

“Yes we are” They all sung back in the style of a barbershop quartet

“Ok I hear you were preparing yourself for a long wait?” asked the man

“Yes we were” They all sung once again like a barbershop quartet

“Well here it is!” and out of the package the man pulled out a 7 foot long 30 kilogram weight. Steve Peter and Frank looked at the man with a look of disgust.

“That was shit” they all said not amused

“I thought that was a great joke on the fact that weight and wait both sound the same, are spelt differently and mean different things”

“Yeah well its not is it” Replied Frank

“It's shit” he continued

“So why don’t you just take ur bloody long piece of metal and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine”

“Albino land?” asked the man

And with that ridiculous answer the Greek god of humour, Gayanustus, flew out of the sky and punched a pineapple through the idiot man’s face.

“Well that was a perfectly reasonable thing to happen” said Peter the talking pink sheep

“Yes this sort of normal mundane thing happens everyday” replied Steven

As they settled down to wait once again Steven noticed a book next to the boat hire. Steven stood up and went to investigate. As he drew closer he could make out a black haired spectacled moron on the front cover. It was the new Harry Potter book. ‘Harry Potter And The Grizzly Bear That Eats Sexy Paedophiles’. This looks like a good book Steve thought to himself and with that decided he sat down and opened up to page one.

After a short time reading, Steve through the book into the air in disgust.

“What the frig diddly dog shizzle is this? A magic school and a ginger kid with two friends! I’ve had enough of this unrealistic, pointless nonsense.”

Just as Steve finished his rant nothing amazing happened. However three minutes after Steve finished his rant, The owner of the boat hire appeared.

After a short interesting conversation where many humorous things happened which I can’t be bothered to write down an agreement was settled and Steven was handed the keys to an amazing vessel magestically floating before his very eyes, It then stopped floating before his eyes and went back to floating in the sea.

Steve, Pete and Frank walked over to the boat and looked it up and down. They then winked and asked for its phone number but it went no further than that. They walked towards the boat door or to the plank to get onto the boat or however you get on a boat nowadays I don’t know and they then began to look around. After they looked around they realised it would create a more interesting story and be more useful to all of them if they looked around the boat instead of just looking around. After a brief exploration it turns out it won’t be very exciting for the story as the amazing vessel wasn’t so amazing after all, however I shall make up for this lack of excitement with an extract from my local takeaways menu;

‘Any 3 12” Pizzas Large French Fries Small Garlic & Chilli Sauce £15.00

Chicken Boti in Naan Salad, Sauce & Pepsi £3.50

Donner in Naan Salad, Sauce £2.50

Chicken Wrap (fresh breast) & fries, Salad, Sauce & Pepsi £2.50’

 To be honest if I was you I’d go for the chicken wrap option its very nice and its only a small price to pay for such a wonderful meal.

As Steve turned on the engine, he wondered how a boat engine could be sexually aroused, this thought soon went out of his head however as Pete was casually playing with his penis.

“Pete what the hell are you doing?” Steve asked

“Just playing with my penis”

“What are you playing with it for?” Steve questioned further

“Well… I fancied a game of tiddlywinks but your too busy attempting to get the boat going and Frank is too busy tickling a penguin ”

“Oh ok ….WAIT A MINUTE !” Steve shouted in a shouting voice as he thought that shouting would get across the extent of how surprised he was knowing that Frank was tickling a penguin

“There’s A penguin on board! I’ve got to see this!”

Frank sprinted around to the other side of the boat and there infront of his very eyes was Frank tickling a penguin but what Pete failed to mention was that it was a chocolate biscuit and not the black and white bird that can’t fly (by ‘black and white bird that can’t fly’ I mean a real penguin that you see on the tv not a mixed race lady. On the subject of mixed race ladies Halle Berry is well fit!)

“Why the hell are you tickling a biscuit?” asked Steven confused

“I’m not tickling it! I’m trying to pull the wrapper up so I can Find the answer to the joke which I’m sure will be amazing ”

“Well hurry up I can’t wait to hear it!”

Much more groping and fondling of the biscuit ensued untill finally…

“Yes I’ve got it. Ok here goes… Why Can’t Polar bears fly?”

“I’m sure there’s numerous reasons” answered Steven

“Oh My God you got it right, you’ve obviusly had this one before”

“ Is that seriously the answer?”

“Yes do you get it hahaahaa” Frank replied laughing out loud, rolling on the floor laughing and laughing his arse off.

“That my friend… was shit.” Steve said without a hint of sarcasm

However Frank was too busy re-attaching his gluteus maximus to hear what Steve had said so Steve walked back round to the place where you steer the boat and turn the engine on and stuff (This is commonly known as the Chatterton Room as you’ll surely know. If you didn’t know this you’re obviously a pauper who can’t afford a boat and you don’t deserve to be reading this book you working class camel anus.)

Steve began what will end up turning out to be a lovely journey to dragon island as he steered the boat out of the harbour and onto the open sea’s. As Steve carried on his hard work in the Chatterton room Frank and Pete came over and joined him. After another five minutes of hard sailing Frank Pete and Steve decided to play I spy with my little eye. Frank decided he would go first.

“ I spy with my little eye something beginning with D”

“Is it darkness” asked Steven immediately

“Yes! How did you know?” Frank replied

“You’re supposed to do it with your eyes open you dumb shit” Steve said wondering if he was the only person he knew not to be blessed with the retard gene

“ohhhhh that makes more sense now” Frank replied with a sense of realisation

After that ridiculous first round of I spy they decided they should concentrate on sailing and stop playing idiotic games.

Another minute of uneventful sailing passed and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then something eventful happened…Steve went to the toilet! However after Steven had been to the toilet and done a ridiculously sized poo he went back to sailing the boat where a minute of uneventful sailing passed and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another and then another and then another and then another another and then another and then another… Suddenly out of nowhere nothing happened. Of course nothing happened. What the hell comes out of nowhere? Everything has got to come from somewhere. What kind of stupid saying is that? ‘oh my god I crashed into this car it came out of nowhere it wasn’t my fault’ shut up bitch it obviously came from somewhere. Gaaaaawd people nowadays! Stop doing your make up when your suposed to be driving and then you might see the car that came out of SOMEWHERE!

As Steve Continued Sailing the boat he began wondering when something eventful was going to happen when all of a sudden out of somewhere Steve saw something. At first glance it looked like a gigantic piece of wood but as Steve got closer it looked like a disgustingly deformed Elephant but as he got even closer it looked like a manatee (google it if you’re ignorant to the wonders of the ocean).

Steve thought to himself…I’m not going to tell you what he thought though as he thought to himself. He didn’t think to you. He thought to himself.

As steve got within touching distance of this beast of the sea he realised what it was. It wasn’t a gigantic piece of wood at all. It wasn’t a deformed elephant either. It wasn’t even a manatee. Yep you’ve guessed it. It was Shannon Matthews!

With Steve’s retina’s burning he did what we would all do and drove straight ahead shielding his eyes from the unfortunate girl (apparently). As Steve carried on ahead he decided he needed to get what he had just seen out of his mind so he began making up limericks about himself.

“There was once a piece of cheese called Steve

who carried a Sperm stained hanky up his sleeve

With a laugh and a cry

And scream of ‘go die!’

It turns out his ex was quite naïve”

Steve laughed out loud at his comical genius and it was obviously more funny because it rhymes. Yay for rhyming!

Steven then began to reminisce about his ex girlfriend.

“Why did she have to be a queeb!” Steven cried out as the great memories he had with his ex girlfriend Pertunia came flooding back to him

“I thought we were going to marry and then she turns around and tells me she likes women cheeses!, All that time I thought she was straight and it was a bare faced lie she was a queeb all along”

“Whats a queeb?” asked Pete delicately trying to hide the fact he was laughing at the ridiculous noise Steven was making when crying (imagine putting a horse in a blender. He sounded like that)

“A queeb is lesbanom piece of cheese” Steve replied too devasted to pronounce lesbian correctly.

“Oh okay…who’s Shannon Matthews by the way?” Pete questioned further

“She’s just a girl the TV companies found behind a bin down an alley and they decided to exploit her looks to show that ugly people exist too” Steve answered correctly

“Oh but everyone is beautiful in someway. Just because your not the best looking doesn’t mean you’re a monster. Its whats on the inside that matters. If your beautiful on the inside its all that counts.” Pete said sincerely

Steve laughed at the stupidity of this comment he then laughed again and laughed again even louder.

“You really think the author of this story got where he is today by being beautiful on the inside?” asked Steven

“To be honest after whats going on this story I think the author has got where he is today by taking lots and lots of acid” Pete replied

“Well… You’re wrong! He got where he is today by being extremely good looking and having a large penis” Said Steven maybe correctly

“I heard its 3 inches” Pete Said

“Yer I heard that too” Frank chipped in

Erm … and then… it erm… something …. erm…. It turns out Pete and Frank had lost their minds! Oh NO !!!

But fortunately Steve spat on both their faces and they became normal again due to Steve’s healing spit.

“What were we talking about again?” Frank Asked

“Giraffes I think” I made Steve reply

“Bastards aren’t they? They’re so smug with their long necks” Pete replied jealously

“How you know they have long necks? How do you no they don’t have normal sized necks and ridiculously small bodies legs and heads?” Steve said cleverly

And with that amazingly unanswerable question Frank and Pete left Steve and went to think about the answer by themselves.

As Steve carried on sailing the boat towards dragon island, he decided he would read his paper to cure the boredom of boating.

Steve looked at the headline on the front page ‘Horrific Rape in Alley’ he then began to wonder whether they was any other type of rape and thought that he’d like to see a change, maybe someday seeing a headline which reads;

‘Hilarious Rape as Goat Unwillingly Performs Sex Act on Clown’

As Steve carried on flicking through the paper something suddenly jumped out at him however this would turn out to crush his dreams as it turns out the headline ‘Village still looking for Paedophile’ was not a vacancy.

After Steve read many more heartbreaking stories and the odd story about how animals have got there head stuck in numerous funny places he put down his paper and continued navigating the boat when out of somewhere Dragon Island was suddenly visible on the horizon.

CHAPTER 7 – Magic Magic Man !

As Steve came out of his trance he wondered what had happened recently as he now had a curly twisty chocolate piece of confectionary  in the place where he used to have an arm.

“Why the hell is this here” Steven said pointing to his curly chocolatey arm with his fully functioning cheesy arm.

Frank nervously replied it was the best he could do considering the circumstances.

“What were the circumstances may I ask?” asked Steven

“Well… you were missing an arm so I thought I’d make you one” answered Frank

“You havn’t really made me an arm though have you? You’ve just stuck a ridiculously shaped piece of chocolate into a gaping wound which still seems to be bleeding like a virgin”

Frank dropped his head in shame

“I’m really sorry I thought it would come in handy” Frank said worryingly

“Handy? Are you trying to be funny?” Steve questioned angrily

“Yes what did you thing?” replied Frank

“I liked the pun slightly but its been done before and you could improve your delivery I suppose” Steve advised Frank

“thanks I’ll take what you said into consideration and try to improve my work for my next stand up act” steve gratefully replied

“No proble…..Wait a minute! You distracted me why am I giving you comedy tips when I’ve got a bloody Curly Wurly for an arm!” Shouted Steve

“I think its original” replied Frank

“Hitler having one ball was original but I don’t see everyone walking round lobsided do you?” Quizzed steve

“ To be fair Hitler wasn’t a very nice man..He wasn’t a very nice half of man either …Da dum tish!” Answered Frank

“how about that? Did you like that one?” continued Frank

“Actually I didn’t think it was too good, I didn’t like the punch line. He wasn’t a very nice half of man either? It doesn’t really make sense to be honest Frank. If I was you I’d drop that from your act if you were planning on doing it” added Steven

“Thanks for being honest Steve” Frank gratefully replied.

“Its ok that’s what im here for but shall we hurry up and get the boat to Dragon Island its no good us being stood around here all day is it?” Steve suggested

As Steve, Frank and Peter walked closer towards the boat hire at the end of the pier, Frank began to wonder how long it would be before Steven realised he had been distracted once again from his Curly Wurly arm. It seems it would be a fairly long time as Steve was in deep thought about Hitlers testicles.

Suddenly Frank had a gut feeling in his brain that something weird was happening.

“What the hell is going on!” Shouted Frank worryingly

Moments after he had shouted this Frank Began to grow at an alarming rate. Within Seconds he had grown at least 3 feet (36 inches not 3 foots) His fingers were no longer humorous stumps and he looked rather normal.

“Why the hell has this happened?” Frank asked rhetorically

“I don’t know do I” replied Steve

“Its rhetorical you fanny you’re not supposed to answer” Frank said

As if by magic, A magician appeared.

“Abracadabra Alakazam Why not have a perfect new arm made of ham?” The magician said mysteriously

As if my magic Steve’s curly wurly arm disapeared and a perfect new arm made of ham took its place.

“Thanks and everything” Said Steve “but its still not exactly my normal arm is it?

“Well Alakazam Doesn’t rhyme with Cheese does it” the magician correctly pointed out

“Yer I spose so but why does it have to rhyme? I thought it was just medievel witches that had to rhyme their spells? Harry Potter never rhymes anything does he?” Steve equally correct pointed out

“Yer your right Steven but I think I forgot to mention I’m The Amazing Harry! Part Time Rhyming Magician, Part Time plumber, Part time Electrician! but Harry who?” Replied the magician

“Harry Potter” Replied Steve

“Barry Dotter?” Questioned Harry

“No Harry Potter” Replied Steve more clearly

“Barry and Harry?” Questioned Harry

“Noooo Harry Potter” Replied Steve even more clearly

“Barry And Paul Chuckle?” Questioned Harry once again

“HARRY POTTER!!” Shouted Steve

“The Demographic Republic Of Horticulture and Delilah?” Questioned Harry surprisingly

“Right… I’ll say it slowly and loudly …. Iiiiiittttttttt!” Steve Said helpfully

“To be honest I don’t understand why that would help” Harry asked confusingly

“To be honest I just did it for Comical effect but are you hard of hearing or something how the hell does Harry Potter sound like The demographic Republic of Horticulture and Delilah?” Asked steve worringly

“I am the Amazing Harry Part Time Rhyming Magician, Part Time plumber, Part time Electrician! There is no one else in this world called Harry. So I just chose to annoy your for suggesting such a thing” Harry said proudly

“Nob!” Steve said under his breath

“Anyways sorry about that. For putting up with me I think I might help you out and give you your normal arm back.”

“Abracadarba Alakazam Give him an arm of cheese instead of that bloody ham!”

Suddenly Steve’s ham arm fell to the ground and was instantly replaced by a new cheese arm which looked like his original arm.

“OH MY GOD!” Shouted steve in sheer delight

“My work here is done” Said Harry and As if by a rubbish badly prepared and practised ‘trick’ he dissapeared in a puff of smoke.

“Well that was nice” Said Steve to Frank who was still coming to terms with his new height.

Frank knew very well why he was suddenly normal height but didn’t feel like telling Steve as he thought it would be best to keep it to himself and definitely not because I can’t be arsed writing another conversation so soon. It turns out however that because Frank was no longer a leather mining midget the not so special powers of being a leather mining midget were taken away from him by the almighty Leather mining midget, Bob. Due to this Frank was no longer a midget and now knew nothing about the art of mining leather however Frank didn’t seem to mind this as he now felt like a real boy! However not a real boy like pinocchio as Frank has never been molested by an old man called Gipetto.

Once again Steve, Peter and Frank began their seemingly endless journy towards the boat hire. After four steps they were once again distracted by something magical/weird/scary/random and something magical/weird/scary/random happened and then something else happened and then whatever it was that was magical/weird/scary/random dissapeared. (You can fill this paragraph in yourself. God imagine that! Make your own story up! What will I think of next!…)

Once again Steve, Peter and Frank made their way towards the boat hire. After 14 seconds of walking they made it. It was closed. Steve looked at the Sign. ‘No dogs except Guidedogs’. It turns out this sign was irrelevant. Steve looked at another Sign. ‘Open 10.30 – 20.30’. This sign seemed more relevant but it really wasn’t as the opening times actually refer to your slutty mothers legs and not to the time the boat hire is open. Steve looked at another sign. ‘Boat hire opening times 10.30 – 21.30’.

“What time is it now?” Steve asked Peter 

“baaaaaaa” Peter replied

“Just talk you cock. Enough with the baa baa pink sheep crap.” Steve said

“according to the watch on my right front leg its half past pineapple, according to the watch on my left front leg its gertrude and a pint glass to geography, according to the watch on my right back leg its quarter past the 19^th century and according to the watch on my left back leg its time for some Bam! Who needs separate butter and jam? When you can have bam! Its butter AND jam!”

“Bloody turkish with their fancy crap watches!” Steve announced angrilly

“looks like we’ll just have to wait here till someone turns up” Frank said

And with that said Frank Steve and Peter prepared themselves for a long wait.

Chapter 6 – The Lion, The Franks And the Megasaurarse

As Steven, Peter, and Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank and Frank made their way towards the boat hire at the end of the harbour Steve noticed a shooting star flying above his head. However this was the day time so how would he be able to see a shooting star ? As Steve looked closer he realised it was the truck driver who was now on fire and flying through the air. As he looked even closer he saw a sign attached to his leg which read ‘I love gays they are lovely people’. Steve thought for a while and then questioned himself about why he was thinking about the terrible treatment of Afghan prisoners by British troops. Steve then laughed to himself as he remembered Afghanistan isnt a real country as it was just made up so that the army could protend they were doing something when actually there all outside chasing gypsy’s and everyone loves a good gypsy beating, so once again steve laughed but this time his laugh was louder and his penis was more erect which came to the attention of a nearby sailor.

“How much for sucky sucky ?” asked the sailor to a deeply aroused steven

“I’m sorry could you rephrase that? Questioned steven

“Of course I can” I replied

“Not you, you faggot! The sailor, why would I ask you to rephrase something you’re the one writing the bloody story” steve shouted angrily

Suddenly I decided that I didn’t like steve’s attitude towards me so I decided in this part of the story Steve will get raped.

“YOUR MINE !” screamed the sailor as he lunged towards a less erect steven

“I’m sorry could you rephrase that?” asked Steve obviously distraught at what seemed to be happening

“I was just commenting on how I am going to take advantage and have non consensual sex with you and you have no choice in this matter” replied the sailor

“well at least I know whats going on now thank vishnu for well spoken sailors” cried steven as he became closer and closer to losing his dignity.

As the time passed Steve’s screams became quiter, The sailor’s breathing became deeper, the 10 franks vigorous masturbating became more and more half hearted and peters baa’s started to sound like raaawrs…. But no! Peter was at the end of the harbour chewing on a dead seagulls surprisingly large penis so what was making the lion noises?

 It couldn’t be could it ?

Could it be ?

It bloody was!

It was a great big bloody lion !

After a moments hesitation, The lion lunged at the sailor and completely ripped his stupid rapey face off. Steve took a chance but unfortunately he had to pay a £100 doctors fee.

“Damn” cried steven

“I should of gone for the Community Chest”

Steve decided to take another Chance to get out of this sticky situation he was in

“YES!” screamed steven in sheer delight

“I’ve won second prize in a beauty contest collect £10”

“This is one of the happiest moments of my life” exclaimed steven.

Worryingly this was only a matter of seconds after he’d been horribly raped but im not one to dwell on these things.

Steve decided to take another chance which was related to the scary situation he was in and he pushed the sailor closer towards the lion and made a run for it. Unfortunately for steve his anus hadnt recovered in time to do some running so he collapsed on the floor in a pile of cheesyness.

As the lion became bored of the now drastically disfigured sailor he edged closer towards the shaking yellow mess on the floor. The lion got closer and closer untill steve could feel his warm bloody thirsty breath on the back of his neck, Steve then wondered how he had managed to breathe onto his own neck and why it was so blood thirsty. He then decided he should concentrate on the situation in hand and became gradually more terrified as he felt the lion’s beer thirsty breath on the back of his ear. Steve shuddered.

“I’m too cheesy to die!” Shouted Steve

The lion’s tremendous mouth began to open, and his gillete mach 3 turbo sharp teeth glistened in the sunlight.

All of a sudden steve remembered something.

“the paper bag full of evil tramp germs! Of course!”

Without thinking thrice steve shoved the bag of tramp germs into the lions mouth.

Obviously this would of done nothing anywhere else

But tramp germs mixed with see air that’s a whole different thing, and within the amount of time it took to write this sentence the Lions head had exploded and was now splattered around the harbour.

“Well…Thanks for the help” steve said sarcastically towards the 10 Franks

“To be honest we wanted you to die” said one of the Franks

“yes that’s true” said another Frank

“I agree” said another Frank

“As do I” said another Frank

“one also agrees” said another Frank

“To be honest I just wanted you to be seriously injured” commented another Frank

“yes that’s true” said another Frank

“ I agree” said another Frank

“As do I” said another Frank

“Well I Don’t I love you Steve!” said Frank

The other 9 Franks gave the cheese-loving Frank a dirty look. They then wrote a letter to the cheese-loving Frank discussing the view they have now taken on Steve and the backstabbing Frank. They concluded by calling Frank the Big C word. However this didn’t really bother Frank as he didn’t find Cancer to be too offending. However while where on the subject of cancer if you ever meet it in a dark alley, do not prod it and call it Horatio Gonzalez. Just don’t…. Also, never buy a dog that meows, its most likely just a big cat.

As the 9 Franks waited around angrilly they decided that the best thing to do was to take action and seek their revenge for the horrible way Steven had spoke to them earlier. They began tap dancing and mesmerised Steven into a confused state of mind. They then stopped tap dancing because they fell off and landed in the giant sink beneath them. Eventually they clambered out and began taking advantage of the still confused Steve. They drew a comedy moustache on him so he looked like a 1930’s Italian, began cutting his hair so he looked like a modern yellow cartoon character who is well known for his laziness and works at a nuclear power plant however they finally went one step too far when they cut off Steve’s arm so he resembled Vice-Admiral Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson, 1st Duke of Bronte, K the British flag officer famous for his participation in the Napoleonic Wars. Who served in the Royal Navy for most of his life and won a number of significant victories, most notably at the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805, during which he lost his life.

By this time the other Frank had literally turned his white underpants into sticky brown pants, he then stopped painting them in brown paint put them back on and then took a big poo in them, as he was so scared of what the 9 Franks would now do to him.

The 9 Franks looked over at the other Frank and in their native language of english they collectively said

“Were dissapointed in you frank you have broken the first rule of fightclub. Do not talk about fightclub. You have also broken the sacred code of the leather mining midgets always stick by the other midgets side. For this breach of the rules we are afraid you can no longer be considered a leather mining midget but go on, live your life to the fullest and have fun with that stinking piece of 1 armed cheese you call steve. We are sympathetic towards you but you have made your decision. You will always be considered a friend and you will be in our hearts,thoughts and prayers forever. Goodbye Frank. Hopefully im sure we’ll cross paths again oneday.”

And with that heartbreaking goodbye the 9 Franks turned around and headed back to their homes.

Frank laughed at how awesomely gay the speech was by the 9 Franks.

He replied with an equally lovely goodbye to the 9 Franks

“In the nicest of possible ways I hope you all get axed to death for your spare change by a flea ridden crack head”

Unfortunately by this point the 9 other Franks were at least a mile away as it had taken at least an hour for Frank to think of that amazing comeback.

Frank dropped his head ridden with guilt and saddened to his very core. He turned around and walked towards Steve offering help and digestive biscuits.